Earlier this evening I visited the wife of J, my co-worker who died this week. Yesterday I packed up all his stuff, the sweater hanging on the back of his chair, his picture frames of his family, his sneakers he kept under his desk in case he had time to sneak away for a walk at lunch. Packing up his stuff made it easier for T and I to be in our small workspace the three of us shared. Of course, if it were Mr.P who suddenly died I think that I would not want anything at home touched or moved or washed, it would take me a while to be able to pack things up. But with J, it was easiest to box his things and try to do the best we can to continue our work (though thankfully it has been a slow week, because neither T or I are very motivated right now).
C talked to J's wife this afternoon to get the memorial service information. He found out that she wanted to get the pictures back right away that were on his desk since they are putting together a slide show for the memorial. Since I live the closest to them, it made sense for me to be the one to take her the box of stuff.
I ended up skipping my class tonight; by the time I got home to eat a quick dinner and grab my tools/supplies I just didn't feel like going or feel capable of working with dangerous tools/machines. It's OK, I can make up the class next week or the week after since the teacher is there three nights a week. I'm having a hard time with my anger; particularly at two people in our building who had caused a lot of stress for J in the past two weeks (personality issues) and while I know they aren't the cause of his heart attack, the stress they caused him must've played at least a tiny role in bringing it on. The anger kind of hits me in waves, and then it subsides, only to return a little while later. I already disliked these two people in the building, but now I have zero respect for them.
J's wife was so sweet, and she seemed so strong and really had it together despite the circumstances. She invited me in and I sat and talked with her for about 10 minutes. She told me that J always thought really highly of me, and I let her know how proud he was of her and their son, constantly talking of them and how important they were to him. I had not been to their house before, but from the descriptions J had given me, it looked just like I expected it would. I was impressed with how strong J's wife seemed (though I'm sure she has her moments) because I know that if I were in her situation I would be a complete mess.
Not much else I can think of to say....but it does make me feel really needy of Mr.P. I have called him a few times extra per day, and I find myself getting really impatient waiting for him to come home from work.
Showing posts with label Death. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Death. Show all posts
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Strength doesn't always appear in common ways.
There are few words to describe the day I've had. Shocked? Stressed? Overwhelmed? Relieved? Thankful? Sad? Those are just a few words to describe some of the things I have felt and thought over the past 12 hours.
This morning I was driving to pick up my mom to take her for a routine colonoscopy. Ten minutes before I arrived to pick her up, one of my co-workers, T, called to let me know that our other co-worker, J, had suffered a heart attack last night (we're a small 4 person office if you count our supervisor, C, who is only on site once a week). T didn't know any details, other than the fact that he'd had a heart attack. I was worried, but knew J was young, strong, resilient, and would be fine. The details could be dealt with later.
I got my mom to her appt, and a few hours later I received another call, this time from C. I hope this conversation will not forever haunt me, though I have played this conversation over in my head dozens of times. It's hard to forget.
C, "Hey kid, what's shaking? When was the last time you saw J?"
Me, "Um, 4 o'clock yesterday when he left work."
C, "Well, it was the last time you'll ever see him. He dropped dead last night."
My heart dropped and I began shaking (which rarely happens to me). And then the details came out. Yes, J had a massive heart attack. He was at home, and his wife and son found him keeled over. They called 911 and no efforts to revive him worked. Gone. Just like that. I feel horrible for his wife and son (13 yrs old), and it's just before the holidays. J just turned 49 a few weeks ago. I can't even begin to touch on the many reasons for why it is so unfair for him to have died. He was a good person, and he was so proud of what a great husband and father he was. He adored his family, and he talked about them all the time. To just have his life ripped away without warning like that just leaves me feeling so sick with heartache for his family.
Tonight Mr.P and I were watching last night's episode of "How I Met Your Mother" (our favorite show we DVR'd) and there was a scene where Ted encounters his fiance's ex-husband in a karate outfit, and I felt so sad thinking, "This is so applicable to a situation J dealt with! Damn, if he didn't die last night I would so tell him about this TV storyline tomorrow and he would get such a kick out of it." But there will not be a tomorrow for me to see him.
That's the problem with death. Especially unexpected death. At another point this evening I opened the drawer that houses my cookie cutters. I saw my newest ones, a republican elephant and a democratic donkey along with my red/white/blue sprinkles I bought in prep for election day. I exclaimed to Mr.P, "Oh shit, J won't get to see my election day cookies. He would appreciate them more than anyone else in the office." I felt a genuine sadness for the lost opportunity to share my future election day cookies with him. How stupid is that? How selfish is that to be upset that a dead person won't get to see/enjoy my dumb cookies?
Really, what right do I have? Who am I? I'm just a co-worker. We worked together for the past 2.5 years. We shared an office, and our desks were adjacent (much like Jim and Dwight on "The Office"). Sure, J and I got along for the most part, but we definitely had our major differences and we were both very vocal about pointing out "the right way" (which wasn't the same way) of how to do things. We didn't really hang out outside of work, except that he and his wife came to my wedding last year, and earlier this summer Mr.P and I went sailing with them on their boat one evening (this is how I want to forever remember J - how he looked when he was sailing. He was focused, yet relaxed and at ease and in his element in a way I never saw him at work).
We had a very volatile political argument yesteday afternoon (him defending Gov. Christine Gregoire against my reasons why she didn't deserve re-election). Following the argument we had our "quiet time" where we ignored each other for a bit, but in the last hour of the day we chatted again, and when he left we were on good terms and gave each other a genuine farewell for the day.
It will probably take awhile to complete the full circle of grief, and to stop the feelings of sadness, guilt, and anger that keep coming over me. I'm trying to just close my eyes during these moments, and picture J sailing his boat with the wind in his hair.
This morning I was driving to pick up my mom to take her for a routine colonoscopy. Ten minutes before I arrived to pick her up, one of my co-workers, T, called to let me know that our other co-worker, J, had suffered a heart attack last night (we're a small 4 person office if you count our supervisor, C, who is only on site once a week). T didn't know any details, other than the fact that he'd had a heart attack. I was worried, but knew J was young, strong, resilient, and would be fine. The details could be dealt with later.
I got my mom to her appt, and a few hours later I received another call, this time from C. I hope this conversation will not forever haunt me, though I have played this conversation over in my head dozens of times. It's hard to forget.
C, "Hey kid, what's shaking? When was the last time you saw J?"
Me, "Um, 4 o'clock yesterday when he left work."
C, "Well, it was the last time you'll ever see him. He dropped dead last night."
My heart dropped and I began shaking (which rarely happens to me). And then the details came out. Yes, J had a massive heart attack. He was at home, and his wife and son found him keeled over. They called 911 and no efforts to revive him worked. Gone. Just like that. I feel horrible for his wife and son (13 yrs old), and it's just before the holidays. J just turned 49 a few weeks ago. I can't even begin to touch on the many reasons for why it is so unfair for him to have died. He was a good person, and he was so proud of what a great husband and father he was. He adored his family, and he talked about them all the time. To just have his life ripped away without warning like that just leaves me feeling so sick with heartache for his family.
Tonight Mr.P and I were watching last night's episode of "How I Met Your Mother" (our favorite show we DVR'd) and there was a scene where Ted encounters his fiance's ex-husband in a karate outfit, and I felt so sad thinking, "This is so applicable to a situation J dealt with! Damn, if he didn't die last night I would so tell him about this TV storyline tomorrow and he would get such a kick out of it." But there will not be a tomorrow for me to see him.
That's the problem with death. Especially unexpected death. At another point this evening I opened the drawer that houses my cookie cutters. I saw my newest ones, a republican elephant and a democratic donkey along with my red/white/blue sprinkles I bought in prep for election day. I exclaimed to Mr.P, "Oh shit, J won't get to see my election day cookies. He would appreciate them more than anyone else in the office." I felt a genuine sadness for the lost opportunity to share my future election day cookies with him. How stupid is that? How selfish is that to be upset that a dead person won't get to see/enjoy my dumb cookies?
Really, what right do I have? Who am I? I'm just a co-worker. We worked together for the past 2.5 years. We shared an office, and our desks were adjacent (much like Jim and Dwight on "The Office"). Sure, J and I got along for the most part, but we definitely had our major differences and we were both very vocal about pointing out "the right way" (which wasn't the same way) of how to do things. We didn't really hang out outside of work, except that he and his wife came to my wedding last year, and earlier this summer Mr.P and I went sailing with them on their boat one evening (this is how I want to forever remember J - how he looked when he was sailing. He was focused, yet relaxed and at ease and in his element in a way I never saw him at work).
We had a very volatile political argument yesteday afternoon (him defending Gov. Christine Gregoire against my reasons why she didn't deserve re-election). Following the argument we had our "quiet time" where we ignored each other for a bit, but in the last hour of the day we chatted again, and when he left we were on good terms and gave each other a genuine farewell for the day.
It will probably take awhile to complete the full circle of grief, and to stop the feelings of sadness, guilt, and anger that keep coming over me. I'm trying to just close my eyes during these moments, and picture J sailing his boat with the wind in his hair.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
