Strength doesn't always appear in common ways.

There are few words to describe the day I've had. Shocked? Stressed? Overwhelmed? Relieved? Thankful? Sad? Those are just a few words to describe some of the things I have felt and thought over the past 12 hours.

This morning I was driving to pick up my mom to take her for a routine colonoscopy. Ten minutes before I arrived to pick her up, one of my co-workers, T, called to let me know that our other co-worker, J, had suffered a heart attack last night (we're a small 4 person office if you count our supervisor, C, who is only on site once a week). T didn't know any details, other than the fact that he'd had a heart attack. I was worried, but knew J was young, strong, resilient, and would be fine. The details could be dealt with later.

I got my mom to her appt, and a few hours later I received another call, this time from C. I hope this conversation will not forever haunt me, though I have played this conversation over in my head dozens of times. It's hard to forget.

C, "Hey kid, what's shaking? When was the last time you saw J?"
Me, "Um, 4 o'clock yesterday when he left work."
C, "Well, it was the last time you'll ever see him. He dropped dead last night."

My heart dropped and I began shaking (which rarely happens to me). And then the details came out. Yes, J had a massive heart attack. He was at home, and his wife and son found him keeled over. They called 911 and no efforts to revive him worked. Gone. Just like that. I feel horrible for his wife and son (13 yrs old), and it's just before the holidays. J just turned 49 a few weeks ago. I can't even begin to touch on the many reasons for why it is so unfair for him to have died. He was a good person, and he was so proud of what a great husband and father he was. He adored his family, and he talked about them all the time. To just have his life ripped away without warning like that just leaves me feeling so sick with heartache for his family.

Tonight Mr.P and I were watching last night's episode of "How I Met Your Mother" (our favorite show we DVR'd) and there was a scene where Ted encounters his fiance's ex-husband in a karate outfit, and I felt so sad thinking, "This is so applicable to a situation J dealt with! Damn, if he didn't die last night I would so tell him about this TV storyline tomorrow and he would get such a kick out of it." But there will not be a tomorrow for me to see him.

That's the problem with death. Especially unexpected death. At another point this evening I opened the drawer that houses my cookie cutters. I saw my newest ones, a republican elephant and a democratic donkey along with my red/white/blue sprinkles I bought in prep for election day. I exclaimed to Mr.P, "Oh shit, J won't get to see my election day cookies. He would appreciate them more than anyone else in the office." I felt a genuine sadness for the lost opportunity to share my future election day cookies with him. How stupid is that? How selfish is that to be upset that a dead person won't get to see/enjoy my dumb cookies?

Really, what right do I have? Who am I? I'm just a co-worker. We worked together for the past 2.5 years. We shared an office, and our desks were adjacent (much like Jim and Dwight on "The Office"). Sure, J and I got along for the most part, but we definitely had our major differences and we were both very vocal about pointing out "the right way" (which wasn't the same way) of how to do things. We didn't really hang out outside of work, except that he and his wife came to my wedding last year, and earlier this summer Mr.P and I went sailing with them on their boat one evening (this is how I want to forever remember J - how he looked when he was sailing. He was focused, yet relaxed and at ease and in his element in a way I never saw him at work).

We had a very volatile political argument yesteday afternoon (him defending Gov. Christine Gregoire against my reasons why she didn't deserve re-election). Following the argument we had our "quiet time" where we ignored each other for a bit, but in the last hour of the day we chatted again, and when he left we were on good terms and gave each other a genuine farewell for the day.

It will probably take awhile to complete the full circle of grief, and to stop the feelings of sadness, guilt, and anger that keep coming over me. I'm trying to just close my eyes during these moments, and picture J sailing his boat with the wind in his hair.

I was duped.

Maybe it's just me, but I feel like I've been lied to my whole life. In sex ed classes they make it sound like if you have unprotected sex you will get pregnant. They put the fear of God into you that sex most certainly equals babies. The truth is, getting pregnant is a lot harder than it sounds, especially once you understand all the detailed mechanics of the process. Sure there are people who get knocked up in a single encounter - but that's actually pretty rare. The window of fertility is so small (12-24 hours in a given cycle) with so many other little factors that have to come into place for pregnancy to happen.

I knew before going into the TTC process that there can be problems (especially if coming off hormonal birth control, it can take awhile to regulate the cycle and begin ovulating again). I have known people who had fertility problems, or heard of friends of friends who had fertility problems, but until I started to research the subject did I find how prevalent infertility actually is, and what actually constitutes infertility. It doesn't necessarily mean a couple will never conceive, but it can include those who have been unsuccessful in trying, and those who have been diagnosed with a condition inhibiting fertility.

It's too early for us to consider any kind of fertility testing, we've only been trying for 2 months. But it feels like forever. Especially since I am having rediculously long cycles (today is day 20 of my cycle and according to my charting and ovulation predictor tests, I have not ovulated yet). Once you get the "we want a baby" mentality, it becomes a waiting game. Waiting to ovulate. Waiting to take a HPT. Those weeks between feel like a lot longer, and while some may say "just relax" it is not that easy when all you can think about is what is going on in the lower abdomen. For a high strung person like me, I worry and stress about things more than the average person. I'm also impatient, so this process is really testing me. My fear is that 6 months down the road we still won't be pregnant, and I am most certain that the waiting and worrying won't get any easier.

Tonight at church the sermon was about letting go, about taking all the negative things that muck up our soul, and to hand those things over to God. Let God be in the drivers seat and let him deal with those difficult and negative matters. That's the best way to clear our hearts and minds of the negative things that weigh us down. During the communion prayer time I found myself tearing up thinking about how I needed to do this, I needed to stress less about conceiving and stop trying to control the process. I need to hand it over to God and let him be in control. I'm going to start working on praying about this, especially during times I am thinking too much and feeling the stress and worry creeping up on me....

Fat, Fertility, and Fear.

So as I mentioned before, I'm in the process of losing weight. Mr.P was a bad influence on me, he got me into the lazy habit of eating out all the time. From when we met until we married, I gained 30 lbs. After our wedding, I gained another 25 lbs. This spring I was horrified to see that *magic* number on the scale at the doctors office (we do not have a scale at home). It's not like I didn't realize I was heavier, I was aware, but in denial of how bad it was. In mid-April I joined Weight Watchers. It's been a positive program for me, in just over 3 months I've lost about 30 lbs. I'd like to lose another 20+ lbs before I get pregnant. I like the concept of the program, where all food items have a "point" value assigned to them based on the calories, fat and fiber. I've never been good at financial accounting, nor with my calorie consumption accounting. Having the "points" it really does keep me accountable for what I'm eating/drinking. I generally eat pretty healthy, I was just eating too much. Now we dine in a lot more, which is good because it saves us a lot of money too. I figure I should reach my weight goal by next spring.

I have this growing fear that next year when I'm in good shape and we're ready to start trying to get pregnant, it won't happen. I'm afraid we'll have fertility problems. Recently I've become addicted to reading info on thenestbaby.com and I have been really surprised by how common fertility problems are. I know it's silly to worry about things that I have no control over, and who knows, maybe we'll be one of those lucky couples who conceives right away. But what if we're not? I was hospitalized once for a ruptured ovarian cyst which can be a complication of poly-cystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS). If I do have this disorder, that could mean serious fertility issues. I try to push the fear out of my mind...but it's hard.