I was duped.

Maybe it's just me, but I feel like I've been lied to my whole life. In sex ed classes they make it sound like if you have unprotected sex you will get pregnant. They put the fear of God into you that sex most certainly equals babies. The truth is, getting pregnant is a lot harder than it sounds, especially once you understand all the detailed mechanics of the process. Sure there are people who get knocked up in a single encounter - but that's actually pretty rare. The window of fertility is so small (12-24 hours in a given cycle) with so many other little factors that have to come into place for pregnancy to happen.

I knew before going into the TTC process that there can be problems (especially if coming off hormonal birth control, it can take awhile to regulate the cycle and begin ovulating again). I have known people who had fertility problems, or heard of friends of friends who had fertility problems, but until I started to research the subject did I find how prevalent infertility actually is, and what actually constitutes infertility. It doesn't necessarily mean a couple will never conceive, but it can include those who have been unsuccessful in trying, and those who have been diagnosed with a condition inhibiting fertility.

It's too early for us to consider any kind of fertility testing, we've only been trying for 2 months. But it feels like forever. Especially since I am having rediculously long cycles (today is day 20 of my cycle and according to my charting and ovulation predictor tests, I have not ovulated yet). Once you get the "we want a baby" mentality, it becomes a waiting game. Waiting to ovulate. Waiting to take a HPT. Those weeks between feel like a lot longer, and while some may say "just relax" it is not that easy when all you can think about is what is going on in the lower abdomen. For a high strung person like me, I worry and stress about things more than the average person. I'm also impatient, so this process is really testing me. My fear is that 6 months down the road we still won't be pregnant, and I am most certain that the waiting and worrying won't get any easier.

Tonight at church the sermon was about letting go, about taking all the negative things that muck up our soul, and to hand those things over to God. Let God be in the drivers seat and let him deal with those difficult and negative matters. That's the best way to clear our hearts and minds of the negative things that weigh us down. During the communion prayer time I found myself tearing up thinking about how I needed to do this, I needed to stress less about conceiving and stop trying to control the process. I need to hand it over to God and let him be in control. I'm going to start working on praying about this, especially during times I am thinking too much and feeling the stress and worry creeping up on me....