A different kind of learning curve.

The TTC process has opened my eyes to so many things. First of all, it has made me realize how much of a miracle babies truly are. The rates of infertility are astounding, and reading/hearing so many stories lately of women who faced years of trying and medical intervention to create new life has really challenged my preconceived notions (no pun intended, haha). Joking aside, it can be somewhat depressing too, especially when I think of how many stories I've heard of crack whores and teenagers who faced accidental or unwanted pregnancies. I try not to think about this too much, I really don't want to become that bitter person who questions fairness...it's all up to God.

Something else that is new to me is the feeling of envy. I am not an envious person by nature, I never have been. I've always been genuinely happy for people when they have good things happen to them. But lately I have felt a twinge of envy over a few people I've heard who have gotten pregnant. One was the other day at a bridal shower, one of the guests announced that she was 8 weeks along. I had just gotten my period that morning and upon hearing this woman's news, I had to hold myself back from crying out of disappointment for myself, but also a little envy of her. I know this is terrible, and as a Christian I know what the root of envy is.

The last piece I'll note is that facing trouble trying to conceive is a lonely place. Obviously I have Mr.P, but even he doesn't fully understand or feel the same level of emotion as I do. He too was disappointed that I got my period, but he is more optimistic and patient than I am. It's not something I can really talk to many people about, especially since I don't really know anyone else who is in the same situation. The few friends I have talked to keep saying the standard, "Oh, relax, you just need to relax and it'll happen." That's actually not what I need or want to hear right now. Of course if all it took was relaxing, that would be so easy! Wow! Why didn't I think of that?! Sarcasm aside... given my medical history of ovarian cysts and my current state of anovulatory cycles, I strongly suspect that it will take medical intervention to make this work. I'll find out next week, I have a consultation with a reproductive endocrinologist.