Waving my freak flag.

I received an envelope from the UW Medical Center today. At first I had a moment of panic thinking it was a bill (even though my insurance supposedly covers 100% of fertility related costs). Inside the envelope was the following typed letter:

Dear (PhinneyGirl),

Your pregnancy test was negative. I am looking forward to the results of your ovulation induction.

Sincerely,

Dr. H.

Hahaha...the backstory is funny:

Ok, so I mentioned before that I went in last Monday (for tests) and Tuesday (for the results). On Monday I had to give both a urine sample and a blood sample. I have serious issues with giving urine samples. Here's a bit of personal information: I have a shy bladder. No matter how badly I have to pee, if I am expected to do so on cue for a test, I freeze up and I can't go. Can't. I wish I could explain it, but I've had this problem my whole life. In fact, until I went away to college I had a very hard time using public restrooms (obviously this got better over time as I had to adapt to shared bathroom facilities during the past 10+ years of communal living).

So Monday during my RE appt, the doctor gave me the urine sample cup and asked me to go in the restroom and do my business and she would wait. Did I mention that the shy bladder problem gets worse when I know that someone is waiting for me? After 5-10 minutes in the bathroom (and with a full bladder) I went back to the exam room and muttered something about not being able to go. The doctor said that was fine, she would do my pelvic exam and I could take care of the urine sample after the exam.

I left the RE's office on the 3rd floor, and went down to the 1st floor where the lab is located. I did my blood draw (not a problem. Sad that I'd rather give blood than urine!) I then went into the 1st floor restroom. No trouble peeing in the cup in that bathroom! This may be TMI...but I then placed the (sealed) cup of urine in my purse. I went back up to the 3rd floor, went into the restroom, waited a minute, and then left my cup in the box where urine samples were to be placed. I gave a huge sigh of relief and left the office. Mission accomplished!

The next day was my test results appt. When the doctor came in the exam room, she pulled out a urine collection cup from a drawer. She handed it to me and said I'd need to give another sample since the nurse waited too long to test my first sample. (The purpose of the urine sample was simply to test for pregnancy since the drugs they are prescribing me to help me get pregnant are actually harmful to take during pregnancy).

I probably looked like I was going to cry (seriously, the thought of having to produce another urine sample was very upsetting). The doctor could sense I was upset, so she said, "Or if you prefer, I can just call down to the lab and have them do a blood pregnancy test from the blood draw they did yesterday, that will be more accurate anyway." I wanted to hug her when she said this! Of course I was incredibly relieved. She told me that she would call me either later that day or the next morning if the test was positive, since I was to start taking the meds the next day. She said if I didn't hear from her, it meant the test was negative. I knew it would be negative (obviously, if you're not ovulating there's no chance of getting pregnant).

As for her looking forward to the results of my ovulation induction? Yeah lady, I'm looking forward to that too. Thanks.

Disappointment and nausea.

Disappointment:

I'll admit, I am disappointed by the outcome of the election. It sucks to have hope and optimism that certain candidates or issues will go in a certain direction...unfortunately, that isn't always the case. I'm sure this country will be fine and life will go on...but for now I'm going to sulk. Just a little.

Nausea:

I met with the RE on Monday, and I went back on Tuesday for my test results. They ran a battery of tests, and the good news is there were no major finding (no PCOS and no thyroid condition, those were the two biggest concerns). The basic outcome was that some of my hormones are out of wack, which is causing idiopathic anovualation. The doctor set me up with two prescriptions that will essentially "reset" my hormones and get me on track to ovulate. Unfortunately, the side effect of the first prescription (the one I'm taking right now) is that I feel kind of nauseas. But I guess that isn't too terrible, since the most common side effect of the next prescription is hot flashes. Yay for hormones! The RE wants me to test for ovulation each of the next three cycles (assuming I don't get pregnant the first or second cycle). She said that if I'm not pregnant by February, then we'll re-evaluate the plan and do some further testing. I'm glad that I met with the doctor, even though a few friends told me I should wait at least a year. I knew there was something wrong, and I trusted my gut instinct with this one. We'll see what happens!

A different kind of learning curve.

The TTC process has opened my eyes to so many things. First of all, it has made me realize how much of a miracle babies truly are. The rates of infertility are astounding, and reading/hearing so many stories lately of women who faced years of trying and medical intervention to create new life has really challenged my preconceived notions (no pun intended, haha). Joking aside, it can be somewhat depressing too, especially when I think of how many stories I've heard of crack whores and teenagers who faced accidental or unwanted pregnancies. I try not to think about this too much, I really don't want to become that bitter person who questions fairness...it's all up to God.

Something else that is new to me is the feeling of envy. I am not an envious person by nature, I never have been. I've always been genuinely happy for people when they have good things happen to them. But lately I have felt a twinge of envy over a few people I've heard who have gotten pregnant. One was the other day at a bridal shower, one of the guests announced that she was 8 weeks along. I had just gotten my period that morning and upon hearing this woman's news, I had to hold myself back from crying out of disappointment for myself, but also a little envy of her. I know this is terrible, and as a Christian I know what the root of envy is.

The last piece I'll note is that facing trouble trying to conceive is a lonely place. Obviously I have Mr.P, but even he doesn't fully understand or feel the same level of emotion as I do. He too was disappointed that I got my period, but he is more optimistic and patient than I am. It's not something I can really talk to many people about, especially since I don't really know anyone else who is in the same situation. The few friends I have talked to keep saying the standard, "Oh, relax, you just need to relax and it'll happen." That's actually not what I need or want to hear right now. Of course if all it took was relaxing, that would be so easy! Wow! Why didn't I think of that?! Sarcasm aside... given my medical history of ovarian cysts and my current state of anovulatory cycles, I strongly suspect that it will take medical intervention to make this work. I'll find out next week, I have a consultation with a reproductive endocrinologist.