I wish I had a big frosty mug of beer in my hands.

Today I am finding myself annoyed by small things. I suppose it has to do with the fact that I'm working and overloaded with work right now. Mr.P is at home enjoying a day off. Our house is a total mess and we're supposed to host a family get together tomorrow.

First I have to say that I am very proud of Mr.P today. He called me up a bit ago and asked me how to start the dishwashers (no, it's not a new dishwasher. It came with our house we've lived in for 1.5 years!) Obviously this is a big deal that he is doing the dishes. However, it took about 5 minutes of me explaining and him trying to figure out how to start the dishwasher. It's not rocket science! Finally he got it figured out. I instructed him on how to start some laundry next if he is feeling domestic...

At work I have been dealing with a crazy rush of paperwork- all by myself. There were three of us in the office, but J died a few months ago and has not been replaced. T is on vacation through next week, and I am holding down the fort. Normally this would be fine, except right now is one of our busiest times of the year. For each email I answer, another 2 come in. Hopefully this weekend the incoming will slow down so I can get caught up.

One thing that drives me crazy is when people call me to ask for my fax number or email address, and when I start to give them the info they put me on hold to find a pen/pencil to write down the info. WTF? You're calling to get some info, and you don't already have a pen/pencil in hand? Seriously! This has happened to me 3 times today.

On a positive note, I am looking forward to this evening. We have dinner plans with a friend we haven't seen in a long time. We were supposed to go to a party, but instead we decided to stay home and watch movies and clean our house. After being gone so much of December, it will be nice to spend the evening in.

Happy New Year! I have high hopes for 2009 being a great year....

Happy two years.

Today is Mr.P and I's two year anniversary! We were married twice...some people already know this. We were legally married on December 29, 2006. That was the same day Mr.P officially proposed to me with a diamond ring. Three hours later we were married at the courthouse; but this was planned more than a month in advance. It's not like we skipped off to the courthouse to get married. We knew we were going to get married and it helped solve some logistical issues right away (insurance and immigration). We had a large church wedding with reception in September 2007.

Tonight was an uneventful anniversary...we ate grilled cheese sandwiches for dinner, took a nap together on the couch, and watched our favorite tv show "How I Met Your Mother." After that we went grocery shopping. Yup, we're officially boring married people :-)

In other marriage news...I was SHOCKED to read on people.com today that Ben Gibbard is engaged to actress/singer Zooey Deschanel. I love Ben Gibbard and both his bands (Death Cab and Postal Service). I was shocked to hear he was even dating someone else, I was under the impression that he was still dating his longtime girlfriend of the past 5+ years, Joan. I occassionally follow Joan's art website, and I seem to recall that at least into the summer it listed her contact address as the condo that they shared on Capital Hill. However, the articles I found online about Ben and Zooey's romance says they've been dating for a year. WTF? Is Ben a cheater?! I hope not, but right now all signs are pointing to yes...

AAA sucks.

Mr.P is a genius to plan our trip to Mexico during the worst snow storm Seattle has seen in more than 10 years! We got really lucky. The cruise was great, it was relaxing, and we met a lot of nice people. Mr.P loved it, I don't think I've ever seen him so happy! It was nice to visit a few places in Mexico, and the people were very friendly, but the peddlers trying to sell things were beyond aggressive. If given the choice, I would much prefer Hawaii for a warm/tropical winter vacation because at least there you can relax on the beach without being hassled every 30 seconds!

We bypassed the snow since we had already arranged to fly from LA to Idaho after the cruise. We spend 5 days in Idaho, and came home late on Christmas night. It was an OK Christmas, with minimal drama and arguing, but there was enough of those things to make me not want to spend Christmas with my side of the family for a few years. My mom is the most passive-aggressive person I've ever dealt with. She holds grudges and tries to manipulate other people's feelings by bringing up old issues. I don't tolerate that very well. My father is an absolute mess, he takes horrible care of himself and it's hard for me to sit back and watch as he contributes to his own demise (he's got congestive heart failure and he's a hard core alcoholic. Not a good combination).

On Friday morning we attempted to dig out my car that was buried under more than a foot of snow! Our neighbor had borrowed our shovel and hadn't return it and was nowhere to be found...so we had to dig the car out with a dust pan (let me tell you how efficient that was). But after digging it out we realized it was dead. Battery dead. I'm not sure why this happened (the car is only 3 years old!) We called AAA, and after being on hold for over a half hour, we were told that they could not come jump start our car because they were only responding to real emergencies. Um...isn't that what the police and fire dept are for? We PAY for AAA to help us with car problems. At that point we were angry and hungry so we set out on foot to walk to the grocery store. A few blocks from our house, we passed an autobody shop. I suggested we stop in and ask if they had a portable jumper kit. Guess what? They did! The guy gave it to us to borrow without even asking for ID or money or anything, he just said to bring it back. So 5 minutes later our car was up and running.

It's nice to be home and back to our normal lives...but I have to work all weekend to catch up on stuff so that is not very much fun. Otherwise, nothing else to report!

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...

Amazon is awesome, they have saved my life! In the past week I have successfully finished all of our Christmas shopping. I ordered most of our gifts from Amazon. For Peter's family I had them sent to our house with two day shipping (arrived yesterday). I got everything wrapped last night and ready to send off today! For the items I ordered for my family I am having them delivered directly to my sister's house. I can wrap the gifts when I get there on the 20th. It's so nice to have my shopping done, now I can relax, enjoy the Christmas music on the radio, and best of all - avoid the malls! Woo-hoo.

I also ordered the rest of the Twilight series to read over my vacation, and Mr.P got some boring accounting/financial books to read on our trip. Yeah, we're taking a trip....a cruise to Mexico! I'm excited, I've never been to Mexico, and I'm looking forward to having a nice relaxing time before Christmas. I am a little sad we don't have a tree or decorations, but Mr.P has promised me that next year we will get a tree.

Home, sweet, home.

I just read an online article about another "ABC Home Makeover" family who is facing foreclosure. I want to say it's the 3rd article I've read in recent months about Home Makeover recipients at risk of losing their homes. Two of these cases (including the one I just read) note that the family chose to take out a large home equity loan against the house and now they're behind on their payment since the ARM has reset. That is unfortunate, and I do feel bad for people facing the stress of losing their home. However, I also feel like people need to be responsible. Not only do the people from this show get a brand new beautiful custom home, it's mortgage free. I think that taking out a loan against a gift like this is really stupid, and frankly, it's also greedy.

I've struggled a lot with my feelings about the recent gov't bailouts, and the plans being created to help people keep their homes. I want to see people succeed, but I also have a hard time reconciling my own situation with those of people in a tough situation because I feel like ultimately there needs to be some level of personal responsibility and accountability.

When Mr.P and I bought our house, we ended up buying a smaller house then we would have liked. We chose our house based off the neighborhood we wanted to live in, and we made sure to find a house that was well within our financial means (it's scary to think how much our mortgage guy was willing to finance us for!) We pay our mortgage on time, and since we did not max ourselves out with a larger/more expensive house, we're able to enjoy a comfortable lifestyle. We chose a 30 year fixed payment mortgage, though the interest rates on those ARM mortgages was enticing since they offered intro rates quite lower than our 30 year fixed rate. We felt the responsible thing to do was to go with the 30 year fixed, even if it meant paying a higher interest rate.

When I hear stories of people who are in over their heads having bought a house much more expensive than they could realistically afford, or their ARM has now reset, or they didn't fully understand the paperwork they signed getting into their mortgage, or they've taken out a loan against their property and now can't afford to repay that loan....it all makes me head spin. I also feel a little angry because I am responsible, and now I feel like all the people who aren't responsible are messing up the economy and housing market for the rest of us. Why should one person get a bail out (of taxpayer dollars), while I'm over here paying my mortgage on time?

A sea of red tail lights.

They (whoever *they* are, right?) always say that the most common issue couples fight about is money. Not Mr.P and I! I can count on one hand how many times in 2.5 years we've fought about money. We are very good about discussing purchases with each other and we have similar values about saving and spending.

The number one issue we fight about....TRAFFIC! Sounds silly, right? Nobody likes traffic. I certainly don't. Last week when we spent 3 hours in stop and go traffic from LA to San Bernadino I wanted to gouge my own eyes out. But traffic is a part of life, especially living in an urban area. Seattle has a pretty bad traffic problem.

Mr.P hates traffic more than anything else. If a traffic jam stands between him and being somewhere at a given time, he'll just wait until traffic has cleared and show up late (sometimes grossly late) for an event. To me this is unacceptable. If you have a commitment to be somewhere at a given time, you need to be there. Even if it means leaving 45 minutes earlier to sit in traffic in order to get to said place.

Mr.P on the other hand becomes the biggest whiny baby and has a hard time compromising on the issue. Like tonight...we're supposed to go out to dinner with an old friend who is in town for business. Mr.P asked me if it would be alright for him to be an hour late so that he could wait until after traffic clears. My answer? No. I think that he should suck it up and sit in traffic so that he can be here on time. He's got 13 minutes to get here....

I'm learning what not to do with a baby.

As I've expressed before - I am not by nature a kid/baby person, despite my intense longing for a baby of my own. I have a lot to learn, and at times I have moments of panic about our current baby making ventures where I think, "Crap! What are we doing? Can we do this? OMG!!!" But for the most part I feel ready and I am eager to learn. (Side note: in ordering some Christmas gifts from Gap.com I couldn't resist ordering the cutest onesie for our stash. It's navy blue with a bottle on it and says "just add milk" across the front).

This past week we spent with my cousin A, who has a 4 month old baby, I saw many things that I would personally not do as a mother. I do feel bad for them, they have a very very fussy baby. She cries all the time, doesn't sleep more than 2 hours, and she has a projectile vomitting problem. My cousin seems to think that the solution to her baby's crying is to feed it. So basically, the baby gets fed every hour. Seriously, every hour. This seemed very strange to me, even with my limited baby knowledge...my sister's kids only fed every 3-4 hours. What is normal? Just because the baby is crying doesn't mean it needs to be fed, right?

The problem I saw with feeding the kid every hour is that it was still digesting it's previous hours meal, so by stuffing it's face again, the only thing it could do was projectile vomit half of what it ate. Lovely. Everyone in our group got vomitted on at least once a day. From what I understand, babies that young do not have a developed esophgus which is why they spit up/vomit. Also, my cousin did not have her baby on a schedule. The kid would be up being held and bounced at midnight while us grown ups were watching a movie! My sister has told me that having kids on a schedule is extremely important in keeping them happy and sleeping normally.

I was a little nervous about Mr.P being around such a fussy baby, thinking he'd be scared shitless and would want to delay our family planning. However, he didn't seemed too phased by the baby crying and he spent a lot of time holding and playing with her (which meant he got puked on many times). I felt relieved when he told me on the way back to Seattle that he is hoping we have a baby in 2009.

I can't believe it's already December!

I'm back! I survived a week offline. Seriously, no email, no blogging, no blog reading, no online newspapers, just old fashion hanging out and talking. We left last Tuesday for Southern California, and just returned today. It's good to be back! I love Seattle so much.

I have so many things to blog about, so instead of rambling on with each topic, I'll try to sum them up here:

1. Not all cousins are created equally. The cousins we went to visit were my dad's sister's daughters. There are 4 of them, but only 3 were there for the holiday. The one who we were staying with, A, is the same age as me, and my closest cousin growing up. Her younger sister, D, is two years younger than us. The youngest in their family, W, flew in from her college on the east coast. I've seen A a few times in the past year, and I saw D last Thanksgiving when she came to my house. I hadn't seen W in 5 years (she's now 21). I cannot believe how rude she was! She threw two tantrums over the 3 days we spent with her (seriously, a 21 year old throwing a tantrum is just sad. I have zero tolerance for that kind of behavior). She left early Saturday morning, and I was quite happy to then have 3 full days with my two lovely and awesome cousins.

2. Twilight. I've heard about the hype of this series/movie over the past month, and I've offically jumped on the bandwagon. All 3 cousins I was visiting had read the books and they wanted to see the movie so I went along. It was great! I really enjoyed the movie. It made Western Washington look awesome! I started feeling homesick for my lovely trees, rain, clouds. On Friday night after the movie I started reading the first book, and I'm almost done with it. It's a little simple writing for my taste (probably why it's such a hit with teens/tweens) but entertaining. I want to go see the movie again after I finish the book later this week.

3. Baby making. I ovulated! Woo-hoo, the drugs worked! I was a little nervous about how things would work out with traveling and timing. I was equiped with the digital ovulation prediction kit the doctor gave me (which was handy enough to keep in my purse). One of the problems with the test is that it is most acurate if you have not peed in more than 4 hours, and it is best to test it in the middle of the day (it has to do with hormone levels). This is tough for me because I drink a lot of water and rarely go hours between bathroom visits. The doctor told me to start testing on cycle day 10 (which was Thanksgiving) and to anticipate ovulation most likely happening on cycle day 14-16. On Friday (cycle day 11) we were out and about and I didn't get to use the bathroom until about 5 PM, having not gone since 10 that morning. As I sat in the stall of the public bathroom at the Santa Monica Pier, I thought "what the heck" and took the test. On the digital test you get a smiley face when it detects the ovulation hormone that will be present the day prior to ovulation, otherwise it just gives you an empty circle. I got a smiley face! Luckily, due to overcrowding at my cousin A's apartment, Friday was one of the nights Mr.P and I elected to stay at the nearby Holiday Inn Express. So now I'm 3DPO (3 days post ovulation). The books all say that if timing is right, there is a 20% chance of viable pregnancy happening. So we'll see...at least we'll find out before our trip to Mexico.

4. California. I could never live in California, especially Southern California. I don't like palm trees, smog, or desert hills. The traffic is insane, it seemed like the LA area was one giant sprawl of suburbs and strip malls. I find palm trees to be very ugly and weird looking, and personally I don't like being out in the sun. We spent Saturday and Sunday out near Palm Springs in the real desert...it was 100 degrees there! That is crazy. I hate hot weather. It was a fun place to visit for a few days, but like I said...I could never live there and be happy. Plus, they have a black widow spider problem. Yuck! I'm not a big fan of spiders, especially poisonous ones.

5. Friends. We got to see two good friends (in addition to all the cousins we saw in California). My friend A is one of my oldest friends (our parents were friends so we were in playpens together). Even though our families have drifted apart and we live in totally different states, it is so great to still be in touch. It's nice to have a friend like her who I've known my whole life, and I wish we lived closer to each other so I could see her/hang out more often (because I'm terrible about email and facebook). We also got to see my friend M who I met through Craigslist a few years ago from a roommate ad. We clicked and ended up becoming good friends. She's actually the one responsible for setting up Mr.P and I, so we will forever be grateful to her for her matchmaking skills :-)

It's already the 2nd of December and I'm starting to feel the holiday crunch time stress...so many gifts to make and buy, and so little time!

Technology bites.

Mr.P loves high tech gagets, computers, etc. He fully admits to being a geek, and I love his geekiness (we even have a onesie in our stash that is green with the words "my dad's a geek" embossed on the front).

This evening we were shopping at U Village. Mr.P loves making small talk with random people, so as we waited in line at Starbucks, he commented to the people behind us, "That's a really nice baby carriage you've got there." I noticed it, the aerodynamic wheels/frame...it looked expensive. The norwegian name embroidered on the undercarriage indicated to me that this was the Volvo of baby carriages. I politely smiled and said to Mr.P, "And when we have a baby, you can do all the consumer research into all the stroller options!" His smile was sincere, since there is no doubt he will research all the options for days on end, when the time comes. That's just how he is, and it's one of the things I love about him.

After we left the Starbucks, I told Mr.P that particular baby carriage was probably over $1000. He seemed surprised, but kind of shrugged his shoulders. When we got home I looked it up online, just for shits and giggles. Yup, that model was $1200. I laughed and showed him the website on my laptop.

He responded with, " Well, a good baby stroller isn't going to be cheap. We both drive BMW's...our kid isn't going to ride around in the Hyundai of strollers, that's for sure."

Hmm...he has a point.

I have to share air with these people?

Mr.P teases me about my slight addiction to people.com (People magazine online). I know, I probably lose precious brain cells each time I read it.

I saw this morning that Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz had their baby, a boy named Bronx Mowgli Wentz. Seriously? I'm not a fan of trendy names (like naming kids after cities), but I also don't like harsh sounding combinations. The middle name aside, Bronx Wentz does not flow together. Just another dumb celebrity couple giving their kid a stupid name!

I cringe when I hear most of the names that people are frequently giving children these days. I used to laugh about names I deemed to be "stripper/porn star" names, but even some of those names seem tame in comparison to the rediculous and unusual names of recent years. I really like my name, it is wholesome and traditional. All members of my family and Mr.P's family have what I would consider to be "normal" names with standard spellings (the only exception is one set of cousins who have Hawaiian names given by their father who was raised in Hawaii).

Since we are in the TTC process, we've obviously discussed names at length. Mr.P has a roman numeral after his name (he's the 4th) and I've known since our 3rd date that if we were to have a son, he must be the 5th. As for girls, the first born daughter will be named after my mother. We have a few other names that we like if we have multiple children, and all of those names are traditional and biblical.

I'm also not a fan of creative ways to spell a name. Like Jayden, Jaidon, Jaydyn. When I was a kid I loved to get personalized souveniors on vacations. With funky name spellings, that makes it near impossible for a kid to experience this. One friend who works with newborns in a local hospital joked that she thinks some of the parents are too dumb to spell the name properly on the birth certificate, and that other people think it'll make their kid special if his/her name is spelled differently.

Whatever. I think it's completely stupid, but that's just my opinion!

There are no words....

Tonight I found out that my grandmother was robbed today. She left her door unlocked while her gardener was over working in the yard, and a strange man walked into her house. He stole several hundred dollars in cash from her purse, all her credit cards, and tons of her antique jewelry she has spent a lifetime collecting.

Grandma is a sweet old lady, blind in one eye and barely mobile (she uses a walker but should be in a wheelchair). It really takes a low life to walk into an old woman's home and steel from her, right in front of her, while she is unable to fight for her property. She is completely devastated about this, as is the whole family who have allowed her the freedom to continue living on her own. I hope that the man who did this is caught, or at least experiences the karmic repercussions he is due for such a horrible crime.

Choosing the red pill or the blue pill?

I started taking vitamins last spring when I started doing Weight Watchers. I bought a big 500 count bottle of multi-vitamins at Costco. This summer when I went off BCP, I was going to switch to a prenatal vitamin, but when I compared the ingredients of the prenatal to the multi I was already taking, the only major difference was that the prenatal had twice the folic acid. So now I take my regular multi-vitamin along with a seperate folic acid supplement to give me the same folic acid that the prenatal would have contained.

But it doesn't stop there. I also take a vitamin D supplement because Mr.P's father is convinced it is the cure for cancer. (Seriously. He showed me all sorts of information and research that showed all the benefits of extra vitamin D, including reduced risk of certain cancers). It couldn't hurt, right? Besides, I'm not really a "hang out in the sun" kind of girl, paired with the fact that I live in a gray and rainy climate, which means I'm already missing out on the natural vitamin D exposure.

Mr.P likes to tease me and call me a pill popper because each night I lay out my vitamins and allergy meds on a little dish on the kitchen counter (so I don't forgot to take them). I take 1 allergy med in the morning, and 2 allergy meds at night, in addition to my 3 vitamin pills that I take in the morning. I suppose it looks like a lot on the little plate. Since we started TTC, I've also got Mr.P taking one of the multi-vitamins each morning. This is actually a big deal because Mr.P is anti-medicine. He won't even take tylenol or ib profin for a headache! It took some convincing to get him to agree to take the vitamin (maybe a little guilt tripping about how the vitamin can improve the quality of his sperm...but that is neither here nor there). Now he willingly takes his vitamin, but on the condition that once we get pregnant he can stop.

Today is cycle day 3...aka, time to start the meds that will induce ovulation. I did a lot of research into this medication before deciding to take it. I definitely did not want to take the most commonly prescribed ovulation med because it has a higher risk of multiples (10% higher than naturally conceiving multiples), and I want to try to keep this process simple. Not that twins wouldn't be lovely (I am a twin!) I just don't think I want to be a first time mother to twins. I'd rather just have one baby for now. My doctor prefers to prescribe the med I'm taking for anovulation because it has less side effects, and that made me feel a little better about taking it.

So as I opened my pill bottle this morning and pulled out my little pill, I thought, "This is it." I felt like Neo on The Matrix, being offered the blue pill to go back to his ordinary life, or the red pill to move forward. My pill is neither blue or red (actually it's yellow). I feel like I could not take it and hope that my body would start ovulating on its own, or I could take it and hope that it works to help us start our family. Not that taking this pill is any big adventure, but it does give me a little sense of panic and excitement to feel like we're moving forward. We'll see what happens in the next few weeks!

I think Jared must suffer from some serious hypertension.

I'm not really a salty foods kind of person. I've had this inner ear thing since I was in high school, and since then I've always been very conscious of my salt intake.

I forgot my lunch today, and was trying to do something healthy. I went to Subway. I got a 6 inch meatball sub (Ok, I know, not the healthiest one they have, but it looked like the tastiest and and I needed something to take my mind off the miserable cramps I was experiencing). The sub tasted delicious! I would go there more often, except the chicks who work at the Subway by my office kind of look like methheads....but that would be a whole different post for another day.

Later this afternoon I started feeling so bloated, even my fingers were looking slightly sausage like. I looked on Subway's website and balked at the sodium content of their sandwiches. Damn! I think the bread must have a shelf life of 2 years seeing as how much sodium it has....how the heck could Jared eat those things for months?!

Let's talk about: periods.

*A small disclaimer: this may be gross. If you can't handle discussing blood or bodily fluids, this post is not for you*

It was only in the past few months that I learned that a period only occurs after a normal menstrual cycle that includes ovulation. If you are anovulatory (like me) when you "get your period" it's not really a period, it's actually called breakthrough bleeding. Breakthrough bleeding is often not as heavy as a period, and it doesn't usually involve all the symptoms one would get with their period (like heavy cramps, bloating, headaches). Women who take hormonal birth control also do not get a period, again, it's just breakthrough bleeding.

After years of hormonal birth control, followed by months of anovulation, I don't really remember what a real period is like.

Until today.

The prescription that I was taking a couple weeks ago (the one that made me nauseas) was a drug called Provera. The purpose for taking it was to bring on a period. Not breakthrough bleeding, but a period to reset my cycle. I asked the doctor about the necessity of taking this as opposed to just waiting for my next breakthrough bleeding cycle, but she assured me that it was important to bring on a true period. My next prescription is an ovulation inducing drug to be taken cycle days 3-7. She said if I did not have a true period, the uterine lining would not be the right thickness to enable pregnancy after the ovulation induction occurs. I'll take her word on that.

The Provera was to trick my body into thinking it had a normal menstrual cycle so that it would bring on an actual period. Since it's been YEARS since I had an actual period, this one is my body's revenge on me. Debilitating cramps, extremely heavy flow, mood swings, bloating....I actually started crying earlier today because I was so miserable.

I would love to climb into a nice warm bathtub, but my tiny ass house only has a shower. When we bought our house I recognized it was technically only a 3/4 bath house, but at the time I didn't think it would be that big of a deal to not have a tub. Hahahaha. Every time I go to my sister's house I look forward to a nice soak in her tub. The next house we buy must have a bathtub.

Moving forward.

I feel like I'm starting to break out of my funk. My patience is growing, and I'm feeling less consumed with thought about the TTC process. It's been nice the past two weeks knowing where I stand in the process, and not having to worry about checking my temp each morning or doing the ovulation predictor tests. Two weeks ago I felt impatient knowing that I was going to have to reset my cycle and it would take a month or so from there before we could actually try to make this happen, but now I'm enjoying my time. I've started giving myself positive affirmations about the time ahead:

"I can enjoy some great wine over Thanksgiving weekend since I won't be pregnant or ovulating yet!"
"If we get pregnant around Christmastime, the baby's due date will be right around my birthday! How cool would that be?!"
"If we get pregnant in the next few months, we can make really cute Valentine's Day announcement cards!"

Maybe that sounds cheesy to be thinking like this, but it helps make me feel good and makes me less anxious about waiting.

I've also gotten my butt in gear at work and I've been able to catch up on stuff (after the death in our office I was quite unmotivated). J's position has not been filled yet, but I'm somehow managing to get both my workload and his taken care of.

Now I need to start planning for Christmas! I'm way behind where I'm normally at with my shopping/gift buying. Usually I have most gifts ordered/purchased by Thanksgiving, and so far I have very little done.

Waving my freak flag.

I received an envelope from the UW Medical Center today. At first I had a moment of panic thinking it was a bill (even though my insurance supposedly covers 100% of fertility related costs). Inside the envelope was the following typed letter:

Dear (PhinneyGirl),

Your pregnancy test was negative. I am looking forward to the results of your ovulation induction.

Sincerely,

Dr. H.

Hahaha...the backstory is funny:

Ok, so I mentioned before that I went in last Monday (for tests) and Tuesday (for the results). On Monday I had to give both a urine sample and a blood sample. I have serious issues with giving urine samples. Here's a bit of personal information: I have a shy bladder. No matter how badly I have to pee, if I am expected to do so on cue for a test, I freeze up and I can't go. Can't. I wish I could explain it, but I've had this problem my whole life. In fact, until I went away to college I had a very hard time using public restrooms (obviously this got better over time as I had to adapt to shared bathroom facilities during the past 10+ years of communal living).

So Monday during my RE appt, the doctor gave me the urine sample cup and asked me to go in the restroom and do my business and she would wait. Did I mention that the shy bladder problem gets worse when I know that someone is waiting for me? After 5-10 minutes in the bathroom (and with a full bladder) I went back to the exam room and muttered something about not being able to go. The doctor said that was fine, she would do my pelvic exam and I could take care of the urine sample after the exam.

I left the RE's office on the 3rd floor, and went down to the 1st floor where the lab is located. I did my blood draw (not a problem. Sad that I'd rather give blood than urine!) I then went into the 1st floor restroom. No trouble peeing in the cup in that bathroom! This may be TMI...but I then placed the (sealed) cup of urine in my purse. I went back up to the 3rd floor, went into the restroom, waited a minute, and then left my cup in the box where urine samples were to be placed. I gave a huge sigh of relief and left the office. Mission accomplished!

The next day was my test results appt. When the doctor came in the exam room, she pulled out a urine collection cup from a drawer. She handed it to me and said I'd need to give another sample since the nurse waited too long to test my first sample. (The purpose of the urine sample was simply to test for pregnancy since the drugs they are prescribing me to help me get pregnant are actually harmful to take during pregnancy).

I probably looked like I was going to cry (seriously, the thought of having to produce another urine sample was very upsetting). The doctor could sense I was upset, so she said, "Or if you prefer, I can just call down to the lab and have them do a blood pregnancy test from the blood draw they did yesterday, that will be more accurate anyway." I wanted to hug her when she said this! Of course I was incredibly relieved. She told me that she would call me either later that day or the next morning if the test was positive, since I was to start taking the meds the next day. She said if I didn't hear from her, it meant the test was negative. I knew it would be negative (obviously, if you're not ovulating there's no chance of getting pregnant).

As for her looking forward to the results of my ovulation induction? Yeah lady, I'm looking forward to that too. Thanks.

Great minds think alike....

I was super excited about the Christmas gift I got for Mr.P last weekend at a silent auction. Not only did I find him an awesome gift, the money I paid for it went to a great local charity. Score!

During my weekly phone call with my mother, I mentioned the gift and how excited I was about it. She responded with an, "Oh no." I was like, "What?" Then she proceeded to tell me that she had bought the same gift as a combined gift for he and I for Christmas. I laughed about how funny that was, and she got mad. She exclaimed, "You shouldn't be going out and buying stuff right before the holidays! You've ruined my gift now!"

Um, yeah...it's not like I was out "buying stuff" before the holidays...I was shopping for a gift for my husband! Geez. She's lucky I told her, it'll be a lot easier for her to return the item now then it would be in a few months!

I'd like to order a tall coffee and some sunlight.

All day I kept contemplating a drive down to Starbucks. Part of it is to have a warm coffee beverage, part of it is to escape the office. Since there was a funeral where I work today and the parking situation was a bit dicey due to said funeral, I opted to wait until that event was over. About ten minutes ago I started debating what to order, and I realized that I hadn't had caffeine in a week. Yay PhinneyGirl! But then I remembered, oops, I had a triple grande soy gingerbread latte yesterday (and it was delicious). In my efforts to cut back on caffeine, I decided that I should not have caffeine two days in a row. I also lack the willpower to walk into a Starbucks and willingly order decaf, so instead I'll just avoid it all together. Sigh.

Is it just me or is it getting dark really early? I know, daylight savings time kicked in, but seriously, it's barely after 4 o'clock here and it's nearly pitch black outside! It seemed like last week we still had some daylight around 4 o'clock. I can handle the rain no problem...but the darkness really gets to me. I shudder at the thought of the months ahead where I arrive at work in the dark, and leave in the dark.

Stay at home wife for a day.

It was nice waking up knowing I didn't have to go to work today. I drove Mr.P to work since I was planning on running errands near his office. I went shopping at Target, and was able to contain myself from making impulse purchases (I'm really bad about that). I was able to spend an hour wandering around Target, and I escaped spending well under $100. I got a couple little Christmas gifts, a bunch of dry goods and soups (who knew Target had such a great grocery area?) I also found a shelving unit for our pantry.

When we moved into our house, I unpacked the kitchen in a hurry and just hastily put things away. It's not very efficiently organized, and we have long been out of space to the point where we have random things on the counter that should really be put away (like the toaster. Do we eat toast? Sometimes...like once every 3 months!) The shelving unit is great because already it has freed up two cupboards that can now house the various appliances and junk that was cluttering the counters.

I also installed some new hooks on the backs of our doors to hang towels/robes/jackets. I've gotten several loads of laundry done, and I got caught up on the 90210 episodes I've had in the DVR que. Next up is making dinner, then tonight I'm going to catch up on ironing and watch a movie! It's nice to have a "stay at home wife" day where I can get some domestic things taken care of. I'm a little sad about going back to work tomorrow, but I think it's for the best. If I were a stay at home wife all the time, I think I'd get really bored.

Ticking away, the moments that make up a dull day...

*The title is from one of my favorite Pink Floyd songs, Time*

Earlier today as I was reviewing each blog post to change names (to make the blog a bit more anonymous) I read through each old post. How much things can change in a matter of months! It's funny that time can move either slow or fast, depending on where you are at in life. For me, the past several months have moved very slowly. Not that it's a bad thing, I have certainly enjoyed my time.

In July I posted about Mr.P and I being in the discussing/planning phase of having a baby. A month later we were in the, "Let's make a baby!" mindset. Ha, if only it were that easy. I feel like once we got on the baby track, time began moving soooo slow. It's not like you can just have sex and, bam, a baby is made. Sorry friendo's, the process is a little more challenging. You have to wait until ovulation time (assuming one is actually ovulating) and even then, the window of fertility is only about 24 hours, and if sex is timed accordingly, the odds of conceiving are less than 20%. Like I've said before, babies are a miracle (unless you're a crack whore...then it's no problem getting knocked up).

The past month or so I have felt this nagging sense of limbo...not wanting to commit to plans a few months out "in case" we're pregnant. It sucks, I wish I could just freely know what was going to happen. I'm already dealing with the disappointment of knowing that we won't have a "pregnancy anouncement" for our families for the holidays. That would've been fun. I'm also realizing that if we do get pregnant in the next few months, that will mean I'll be huge (which means uncomfortable) during the summer months. I always swore I'd never have a summer or early fall baby...but now I really could care less about something so petty as that.

Plus, plus, delta.

Back when I was an AmeriCorps volunteer, our group leader always had us do what he called "plus plus delta." This was a way for us to give feedback, but the rule was that you had to say two positive things (plus') before you could say a negative (delta). If all you had was positive feedback, great, then you'd get to say three good things. If you had a complaint, you had to start by saying two positive things. I've been in a bit of a funk for a couple of weeks now, and I'm having trouble shaking it. In an effort to sound a little more positive, I thought I would use the plus plus delta model here in my blog post today:

Plus: I have tomorrow off! Yay for government holidays. I plan on relaxing and getting several little Christmas projects worked on.

Plus: There is a beer I've had twice now on tap, but have not been able to find in bottles. It's a special release by New Belgium Brewing Company called Giddy Up. It's an amber ale brewed with espresso, giving it a nice light body with a strong coffee flavor. It is unique, and delicious. Today at lunch I found it in bottles at the little grocery store near work. Tonight after my class I'm coming home to drink one (or two) of them.

Delta: I heard a Christmas jingle on the radio today and it made me realize how I am not ready for Christmas. I have no idea what to buy/make for people, and I'm just not feeling the holiday spirit yet. It's become more frequent that I have had people ask me, "When are you and (Mr.P) going to have kids?" I realize now how horrible it is to ask or be asked that question. It's actually quite personal, and then to currently be having trouble getting pregnant, it makes me feel bad to hear that. Christmastime means lots of parties and gatherings, and I am dreading hearing that question, which I know is inevitable. I can be polite or make a lighthearted joke in response, but really inside I want to cry when I hear that question.

P.S. I did a little housecleaning on my blog...I decided to make it a little more "anonymous" by removing real names. I'm not completely sold on the background design yet...more changes to come.

The Tudors.

Mr.P hates television programing. He loves his TV, but isn't a big fan of watching it (weird, I know). I love television, but I try to limit how much I watch. I have a select list of shows I always DVR, and I rarely just sit and channel surf (since we got dish tv, it's hard to channel surf, too many channels!)

I have successfully gotten Mr.P hooked on my two favorite sitcoms (The Office and How I Met Your Mother). Now he is obsessed with not missing an episode of either of those. He'll watch America's Next Top Model occassionally (his excuse is our house is too small, but really he could go in the other room and close the door. I think he finds the show interesting but doesn't want to admit it).

I recently ordered "The Tudors" from Netflix. When I heard that Jonathan Rhys Meyers played King Henry in this series, I couldn't resist. I am not one of those women who goes ga-ga over celebrity men, but Jonathan Rhys Meyers is sexy. He has beautiful eyes and an amazing Irish accent...but I digress. The other night I put the disc in and at first Mr.P grumbled about watching it, but after the first episode he was intrigued. We're down to one episode left on the first disc, and tonight he asked if I wanted to watch it. Ah ha! I've succeeded in getting him hooked on another tv show :-)

Disappointment and nausea.

Disappointment:

I'll admit, I am disappointed by the outcome of the election. It sucks to have hope and optimism that certain candidates or issues will go in a certain direction...unfortunately, that isn't always the case. I'm sure this country will be fine and life will go on...but for now I'm going to sulk. Just a little.

Nausea:

I met with the RE on Monday, and I went back on Tuesday for my test results. They ran a battery of tests, and the good news is there were no major finding (no PCOS and no thyroid condition, those were the two biggest concerns). The basic outcome was that some of my hormones are out of wack, which is causing idiopathic anovualation. The doctor set me up with two prescriptions that will essentially "reset" my hormones and get me on track to ovulate. Unfortunately, the side effect of the first prescription (the one I'm taking right now) is that I feel kind of nauseas. But I guess that isn't too terrible, since the most common side effect of the next prescription is hot flashes. Yay for hormones! The RE wants me to test for ovulation each of the next three cycles (assuming I don't get pregnant the first or second cycle). She said that if I'm not pregnant by February, then we'll re-evaluate the plan and do some further testing. I'm glad that I met with the doctor, even though a few friends told me I should wait at least a year. I knew there was something wrong, and I trusted my gut instinct with this one. We'll see what happens!

The political phone calls need to stop. Now.

This weekend I received several live (and recorded) phone calls. All reminding me to vote, and asking me to vote for specific candidates. Tonight there were 2 messages on my answering machine reminding me to vote. I get it!

I already mailed in my absentee ballot. Last week.

I even had a visit Saturday morning from a few cheerful democratic volunteers making sure I was going to vote (I stood in the doorway in my PJ's, letting them know I had already mailed in my ballot). They asked if I voted for Obama and Gregoire. I lied and said yes, but actually I did not vote for either.

Here's the thing....

I do not claim to be a democrat or a republican. I consider myself to be a moderate. I actually voted for people from both parties on my ballot. There are issues I care about, but I also heavily vote based off the people running and how I feel about them as people.

My issue with Obama is that I hear a lot of talk, but that's it. I get the same feeling about the guy when I hear him speak as I do when I step onto a used car lot. I just don't feel like he's trustworthy. I take offense to someone who is in their 40's and has already penned 2 memoirs. Really? His life is that important he felt it necessary to write not 1, but 2 books about it?! Also, the guy is a smoker. I'm sorry, but I hate smoking. I think it is a nasty, disgusting, dirty habit, and those who can't break the habit are weak people. Plus, I think it sets a bad example to young people if our future president is a smoker. I was very concerned about the controversy regarding his pastor, Rev Wright, earlier this year. His policies border on socialism, and well, as a tax payer in a high bracket, I don't want to pay more taxes. In younger years I was much more gung ho about social programs, but having worked in the social system and seen how mismanaged money is, and how handouts enable laziness, I've become slightly disillusioned by the system.

*Just now as I write this, a volunteer from Obama's campaign called to remind me to vote for him tomorrow! I told him sorry, I already voted, and when he asked who I voted for, I said John McCain got my vote*

I don't think McCain is perfect, but I feel like he is more honest, and he has the experience I want to see the in the next president. I think Sarah Palin is a joke, and the more I see her speak the more angry I am....personally, I think McCain should've picked Bobby Jindal as his running mate (gov of Louisiana). I cast my vote for the president, and I feel that McCain would be a better president than Obama.

Tomorrow should be an interesting day...

Text-o-mania.

Mr.P called to let me know that I went over my 400 txt message this past month. Oops. At least it's only about $8 in charges. The conversation ended with him needing to run an errand, but first he let me know we need to have a "chat" tonight. That's never a good sign...

5 minutes later, the following txt sequence took place:

Mr.P: pssst...I luv you :-)

PhinneyGirl: Why do I have a feeling you're going to come home and piss in my cheerios?

Mr.P: I luv cheerios ;-)

PhinneyGirl: I don't luv your piss.

Dear ovaries.

Can you please cooperate with me? I feel like we're not communicating very well, and we need to reach an understanding so that we can both be happy. Your job is to drop kick an egg into the fallopian tube approximately 14 days into my cycle. Since you have failed to do this job, I am growing more and more frustrated with your performance (and there are two of you! Can't at least one of you cooperate? Please?)
I also do not appreciate the constant dull ache you have been causing me the past couple months. Can you tell your cyst friends to go away? I'm really hoping we can work this out on our own, but if not, I am fully prepared to bring in reinforcements (meaning, the reproductive endocrinologist). Please keep this in mind as you continue to taunt me with your laziness.
Yours truly,
PhinneyGirl

(Un)happy halloween.

When I was a kid, I loved halloween. Not the scary parts of it (I've always been a whimp about scary movies, ghost stories, etc). What I loved was the costume part, and of course the candy. My mom is a crafty lady, and she would always sew us really awesome and original costumes (we were not allowed to be witches, ghosts, goblins, or anything resembling something satanic). We usually participated in church halloween festivities, and of course trick or treating. I loved going to school in my costume and seeing what my classmates were dressed as.

Last year I was really excited to be in my own house and to pass out candy. We bought a ton of candy, but only had about 10 trick or treaters. So because of that, I'm going to hide out in the back room of my house with the front lights off to avoid buying or passing out candy tonight. It's been a rough couple of weeks, and it's too exhausting right now to make chit chat with people and to smile and act happy. I know things will get better in time, but for now I just want to lay low.

This has been a strange halloween. I have not been excited at all today (partly because I am so tired from getting a crappy nights sleep last night, and I feel like I'm coming down with a nasty cold). It was sad going in to work knowing that J wouldn't be there, because he always had some sort of halloween surprise and he had a special halloween music CD he'd play all day the past two halloweens. On the radio station I listen to (Spirit 105.3) they were playing Christmas music all day. At first I thought this was a brilliant idea, but by the drive home from work I decided I'm not ready for Christmas yet.

I'm glad the week is finally over (it felt like a really long week) and I'm looking forward to just relaxing and spending a quiet weekend at home with Mr.P.

A different kind of learning curve.

The TTC process has opened my eyes to so many things. First of all, it has made me realize how much of a miracle babies truly are. The rates of infertility are astounding, and reading/hearing so many stories lately of women who faced years of trying and medical intervention to create new life has really challenged my preconceived notions (no pun intended, haha). Joking aside, it can be somewhat depressing too, especially when I think of how many stories I've heard of crack whores and teenagers who faced accidental or unwanted pregnancies. I try not to think about this too much, I really don't want to become that bitter person who questions fairness...it's all up to God.

Something else that is new to me is the feeling of envy. I am not an envious person by nature, I never have been. I've always been genuinely happy for people when they have good things happen to them. But lately I have felt a twinge of envy over a few people I've heard who have gotten pregnant. One was the other day at a bridal shower, one of the guests announced that she was 8 weeks along. I had just gotten my period that morning and upon hearing this woman's news, I had to hold myself back from crying out of disappointment for myself, but also a little envy of her. I know this is terrible, and as a Christian I know what the root of envy is.

The last piece I'll note is that facing trouble trying to conceive is a lonely place. Obviously I have Mr.P, but even he doesn't fully understand or feel the same level of emotion as I do. He too was disappointed that I got my period, but he is more optimistic and patient than I am. It's not something I can really talk to many people about, especially since I don't really know anyone else who is in the same situation. The few friends I have talked to keep saying the standard, "Oh, relax, you just need to relax and it'll happen." That's actually not what I need or want to hear right now. Of course if all it took was relaxing, that would be so easy! Wow! Why didn't I think of that?! Sarcasm aside... given my medical history of ovarian cysts and my current state of anovulatory cycles, I strongly suspect that it will take medical intervention to make this work. I'll find out next week, I have a consultation with a reproductive endocrinologist.

He was more than just a box of stuff.

Earlier this evening I visited the wife of J, my co-worker who died this week. Yesterday I packed up all his stuff, the sweater hanging on the back of his chair, his picture frames of his family, his sneakers he kept under his desk in case he had time to sneak away for a walk at lunch. Packing up his stuff made it easier for T and I to be in our small workspace the three of us shared. Of course, if it were Mr.P who suddenly died I think that I would not want anything at home touched or moved or washed, it would take me a while to be able to pack things up. But with J, it was easiest to box his things and try to do the best we can to continue our work (though thankfully it has been a slow week, because neither T or I are very motivated right now).

C talked to J's wife this afternoon to get the memorial service information. He found out that she wanted to get the pictures back right away that were on his desk since they are putting together a slide show for the memorial. Since I live the closest to them, it made sense for me to be the one to take her the box of stuff.

I ended up skipping my class tonight; by the time I got home to eat a quick dinner and grab my tools/supplies I just didn't feel like going or feel capable of working with dangerous tools/machines. It's OK, I can make up the class next week or the week after since the teacher is there three nights a week. I'm having a hard time with my anger; particularly at two people in our building who had caused a lot of stress for J in the past two weeks (personality issues) and while I know they aren't the cause of his heart attack, the stress they caused him must've played at least a tiny role in bringing it on. The anger kind of hits me in waves, and then it subsides, only to return a little while later. I already disliked these two people in the building, but now I have zero respect for them.

J's wife was so sweet, and she seemed so strong and really had it together despite the circumstances. She invited me in and I sat and talked with her for about 10 minutes. She told me that J always thought really highly of me, and I let her know how proud he was of her and their son, constantly talking of them and how important they were to him. I had not been to their house before, but from the descriptions J had given me, it looked just like I expected it would. I was impressed with how strong J's wife seemed (though I'm sure she has her moments) because I know that if I were in her situation I would be a complete mess.

Not much else I can think of to say....but it does make me feel really needy of Mr.P. I have called him a few times extra per day, and I find myself getting really impatient waiting for him to come home from work.

Strength doesn't always appear in common ways.

There are few words to describe the day I've had. Shocked? Stressed? Overwhelmed? Relieved? Thankful? Sad? Those are just a few words to describe some of the things I have felt and thought over the past 12 hours.

This morning I was driving to pick up my mom to take her for a routine colonoscopy. Ten minutes before I arrived to pick her up, one of my co-workers, T, called to let me know that our other co-worker, J, had suffered a heart attack last night (we're a small 4 person office if you count our supervisor, C, who is only on site once a week). T didn't know any details, other than the fact that he'd had a heart attack. I was worried, but knew J was young, strong, resilient, and would be fine. The details could be dealt with later.

I got my mom to her appt, and a few hours later I received another call, this time from C. I hope this conversation will not forever haunt me, though I have played this conversation over in my head dozens of times. It's hard to forget.

C, "Hey kid, what's shaking? When was the last time you saw J?"
Me, "Um, 4 o'clock yesterday when he left work."
C, "Well, it was the last time you'll ever see him. He dropped dead last night."

My heart dropped and I began shaking (which rarely happens to me). And then the details came out. Yes, J had a massive heart attack. He was at home, and his wife and son found him keeled over. They called 911 and no efforts to revive him worked. Gone. Just like that. I feel horrible for his wife and son (13 yrs old), and it's just before the holidays. J just turned 49 a few weeks ago. I can't even begin to touch on the many reasons for why it is so unfair for him to have died. He was a good person, and he was so proud of what a great husband and father he was. He adored his family, and he talked about them all the time. To just have his life ripped away without warning like that just leaves me feeling so sick with heartache for his family.

Tonight Mr.P and I were watching last night's episode of "How I Met Your Mother" (our favorite show we DVR'd) and there was a scene where Ted encounters his fiance's ex-husband in a karate outfit, and I felt so sad thinking, "This is so applicable to a situation J dealt with! Damn, if he didn't die last night I would so tell him about this TV storyline tomorrow and he would get such a kick out of it." But there will not be a tomorrow for me to see him.

That's the problem with death. Especially unexpected death. At another point this evening I opened the drawer that houses my cookie cutters. I saw my newest ones, a republican elephant and a democratic donkey along with my red/white/blue sprinkles I bought in prep for election day. I exclaimed to Mr.P, "Oh shit, J won't get to see my election day cookies. He would appreciate them more than anyone else in the office." I felt a genuine sadness for the lost opportunity to share my future election day cookies with him. How stupid is that? How selfish is that to be upset that a dead person won't get to see/enjoy my dumb cookies?

Really, what right do I have? Who am I? I'm just a co-worker. We worked together for the past 2.5 years. We shared an office, and our desks were adjacent (much like Jim and Dwight on "The Office"). Sure, J and I got along for the most part, but we definitely had our major differences and we were both very vocal about pointing out "the right way" (which wasn't the same way) of how to do things. We didn't really hang out outside of work, except that he and his wife came to my wedding last year, and earlier this summer Mr.P and I went sailing with them on their boat one evening (this is how I want to forever remember J - how he looked when he was sailing. He was focused, yet relaxed and at ease and in his element in a way I never saw him at work).

We had a very volatile political argument yesteday afternoon (him defending Gov. Christine Gregoire against my reasons why she didn't deserve re-election). Following the argument we had our "quiet time" where we ignored each other for a bit, but in the last hour of the day we chatted again, and when he left we were on good terms and gave each other a genuine farewell for the day.

It will probably take awhile to complete the full circle of grief, and to stop the feelings of sadness, guilt, and anger that keep coming over me. I'm trying to just close my eyes during these moments, and picture J sailing his boat with the wind in his hair.

I was duped.

Maybe it's just me, but I feel like I've been lied to my whole life. In sex ed classes they make it sound like if you have unprotected sex you will get pregnant. They put the fear of God into you that sex most certainly equals babies. The truth is, getting pregnant is a lot harder than it sounds, especially once you understand all the detailed mechanics of the process. Sure there are people who get knocked up in a single encounter - but that's actually pretty rare. The window of fertility is so small (12-24 hours in a given cycle) with so many other little factors that have to come into place for pregnancy to happen.

I knew before going into the TTC process that there can be problems (especially if coming off hormonal birth control, it can take awhile to regulate the cycle and begin ovulating again). I have known people who had fertility problems, or heard of friends of friends who had fertility problems, but until I started to research the subject did I find how prevalent infertility actually is, and what actually constitutes infertility. It doesn't necessarily mean a couple will never conceive, but it can include those who have been unsuccessful in trying, and those who have been diagnosed with a condition inhibiting fertility.

It's too early for us to consider any kind of fertility testing, we've only been trying for 2 months. But it feels like forever. Especially since I am having rediculously long cycles (today is day 20 of my cycle and according to my charting and ovulation predictor tests, I have not ovulated yet). Once you get the "we want a baby" mentality, it becomes a waiting game. Waiting to ovulate. Waiting to take a HPT. Those weeks between feel like a lot longer, and while some may say "just relax" it is not that easy when all you can think about is what is going on in the lower abdomen. For a high strung person like me, I worry and stress about things more than the average person. I'm also impatient, so this process is really testing me. My fear is that 6 months down the road we still won't be pregnant, and I am most certain that the waiting and worrying won't get any easier.

Tonight at church the sermon was about letting go, about taking all the negative things that muck up our soul, and to hand those things over to God. Let God be in the drivers seat and let him deal with those difficult and negative matters. That's the best way to clear our hearts and minds of the negative things that weigh us down. During the communion prayer time I found myself tearing up thinking about how I needed to do this, I needed to stress less about conceiving and stop trying to control the process. I need to hand it over to God and let him be in control. I'm going to start working on praying about this, especially during times I am thinking too much and feeling the stress and worry creeping up on me....

So much to be thankful for.

I am really frustrated right now. My body is not cooperating and doing what I want it to do...and there is nothing I can do about it. Just wait it out. I want to be a brat and throw a tantrum, but really, what right do I have?
Just because I'm not ovulating right now (as I should be) doesn't mean I won't in the coming week or two (see, I'm optimistic!) Those dumb ovulation test sticks are a pain, a blatent "sorry" staring back in my face. I know that I need to be patient and to not worry, I need to sit back and allow this to be in God's hands. But it isn't easy. The more I try to push it out of my head, the more I think about it.
Tonight we hosted Canadian Thanksgiving at our house, it was a great party! So many good friends were able to join us to celebrate and enjoy a delicious turkey dinner. In the past few days I kept thinking of people we should've invited and feeling regret and remorse over not having extended the invite, but then I remembered, our house is so tiny...we can't hold more people.
We are so thankful for our awesome and amazing group of friends.
We are so thankful in the wake of the economic and political uncertainty that we own a home, two nice cars, and we have good jobs.
We are so thankful that our families are doing well and happy (even my father who 6 months ago I questioned whether he'd still be alive this fall).
We are so thankful that we have each other, Mr.P and I, and that we feel as much love as we do for each other.
We are so thankful that we are in a position to try and create a baby, and hopefully it will happen soon.

The poor woman's latte.

Doing my part to cut back in the wake of the economic crisis, I made a conscious decision to order a cheaper drink at Starbucks today. (Some people hate Starbucks. I personally like it.) I don't go out for coffee every day, but maybe once or twice a week.

Here's the back story: Mr.P is not supposed to have caffeine, it messes with his heart and makes him dizzy. Since I do not want him to experience this, I've agreed to switch to decaf at home. Sure, it tastes the same, but trust me, decaf is not caf. I like the little "pick me up" I get from a good cup of coffee. I'm always consciously aware of the fact that my morning coffee is decaf. You know how some people will set their clocks ahead 10 minutes so that they'll avoid being late? Yeah, that doesn't work for me, because otherwise I stare at the clock and think, "I've still got 10 more minutes." The same with the coffee, my brain can't be tricked into thinking my coffee is caffeinated.

Anyway, so since I am used to drinking 2 cups of decaf in the morning, some days by 2 or 3 PM I need a little pick me up that only caffeine will bring. But in the afternoon I tend to prefer the taste of a latte over more black coffee (too much acid or something..makes my stomach hurt). My latte drink of choice is a triple tall soy latte. It's kind of a crime how much money it costs for said beverage, about $4.40 to be exact. They charge the base price, plus .55 cents for each of the two additional shots of espresso, and then another .40 cents for the soy milk. 12oz of delicious soy coffee goodness...

So today I ordered a venti soy misto. This drink consists of 10oz of brewed coffee, with 10oz of steamed soy milk combined. It is not quite the same taste as a latte, but close. Plus, with the strong brewed coffee it delivers the same amount of caffeine as 3 shots of espresso. The venti soy misto costs exactly half the price of the triple tall soy latte (only $2.20) and you get nearly twice the volume of drink.

Wow, two months - so much to report!

I've been a bad blogger. I haven't posted in two months. Actually, that is not true, I have blogged, just not on here. I've become addicted to "the nest" a community blog/networking site for young married women which is not a blocked site from work and thus, keeping with the typical government worker, I have spent much of my days trolling/writing on the blogs on there.
So lets see... major points to note:

1. I got a new car! Yay! I am now the proud owner of a 2005 BMW X3. So one friend said I'm now officially a yuppy and she's embarressed to ride in my car. Oh well, I like it and I feel like it's a good safe car for our future offspring to ride in. The gas mileage may suck a little, but good thing my commute to work is only 5 miles. Plus, it has heated leather seats. Pretty much the greatest thing since sliced bread.

2. I ran a half marathon! At my 40 lbs lost marker, I participated in a half marathon! My time may not have been as awesome as past half marathons, but I still finished and I am proud of myself. I may not have been able to walk for a few days...but I digress.

3. We're officially TTC (trying to conceive for those of you not in the TTC world). Yup, after going off BC (birth control) this summer, our initial intention was to level out my hormones and try "natural birth control" but after our anniversary we decided we're ready to start TTC. I've had a history of irregular cycles and ovarian cysts...so it may be a long journey. Hopefully we'll get pregnant right away (already 1 cycle of failure) but we're praying about it that God will be with us during this journey. For those of you who know me, this is especially trying since, A) I am super impatient, and B) I am a total type A personality. Luckily Mr.P is very relaxed and is able to shake my shoulders every so often and remind me that it is not in my hands. Easier said than done. I have total crazy baby fever and can't wait to start our family.

4. I am now officially 29! My birthday was last month. It was a great birthday, and with all the dinners/parties/celebrations I realized how blessed I am to have so many great friends and family that took time to celebrate with me. Plus, my puppet collection grew. I went from two puppets to 5 puppets!

5. For our 1 year anniversary Mr.P surprised me with a trip! We never did go on an official honeymoon (the weekend after our wedding we went on a 2 night trip to the Oregon coast), and he promised me someday we'd go on a *real* honeymoon. For our anniversary he surprised me with an itinerary for an 8 day cruise to Mexico! This is exciting because neither of us has been to Mexico. In early December we'll be cruising Mexico! Woo-hoo! Of course, if I'm pregnant by then I won't get to check off my "list of life dreams" visiting a tequila factory (small price to pay though).

So that's the latest friendo's. It's a rainy Friday here in Seattle. Mr.P and I are going away to Lake Quinault tomorrow for a 1 night getaway at the Lake Quinault Lodge. Even though the forcast is rain, we're looking forward to a relaxing and quiet mini-trip.

Borrowing clothes - from myself.

I think that losing weight is a lot like growing your hair out...it's a slow process (and often frustrating, at least if you are as impatient as I am). Months can go by without really noticing a difference, and then one day you look in the mirror and it's like, "hey, my hair has gotten long!" or, "wow, I look a lot thinner now!"

This morning I climbed past our mounting pile of laundry and proceeded to search for something clean to wear. I pulled a pair of black khaki pants out of my drawer and tried them on. Holy cow, they fit! A little snug, but they fit! These pants were purchased last summer and have never been worn, they still had the tags on them. I ordered them last year from Eddie Bauer online, and was too lazy to return them after they were received and too small to wear. This means that I am officially smaller than I was when I got married!

It's funny because as I've lost weight, I've noticed the loss in different places...it seems like you don't necessarily lose it in the order in which it was gained. For instance, the first 15 lbs I lost, I swear it was all from my back. My waist size hardly changed until after I had lost about 20 lbs it started to feel like my pants were a little loose. Now I'm at 30 lbs lost, and I'm definitely much smaller. I notice how loose certain things are. It's a good feeling, and I hope it will give me the motivation to not only continue losing weight, but to work hard to maintain a healthier weight when I am at the size I'd like to be.

I was reading some charts on Weight Watchers (WW) that showed the ranges for healthy, overweight, and obese. As much as it pains me to admit it, before I started doing WW, I was in the obese category. When I think about it I just wonder how I let myself get that heavy. I was always a thin and active person through college. I can blame it on many things, but really the truth is I just wasn't making the best food choices and I wasn't exercising. Now I am merely just "overweight" which seems to be an easier pill to swallow than obese.

One of my biggest motivations for losing the weight is so that I can be at a healthy weight when we start TTC next year. I want to be fit and healthy so that:
A) our fertility will be improved (when we're ready to conceive I don't want to have to wait too long!)
B) I can minimize pregnancy risks associated with being heavier
C) I have myself set up with a good healthy routine to minimize gaining a lot during pregnancy. It's amazing really, I learned recently that pregnant women only need about 300 extra calories a day. None of this eating for two business.

Overall, I feel good and I am really glad that I am doing something about my health. Time for my late afternoon snack - carrots, baby tomatoes, and a string cheese.

Critical Mass-holes.

In Seattle many bicyclists participate in the monthly "critical mass" demonstration where hundreds of cyclists gather and take to the streets. In my extensive research on the topic (ok, that's a lie, I really just looked on wikipedia), I found out that it was started to draw attention to the general sense of bicycle unfriendliness in urban areas. Each month on the last Friday of the month, cyclist in cities all over the world gather and take to the streets during rush hour traffic.

I personally have always felt that demonstrations like this are really stupid. Blocking the roadways to try to make a point seems really selfish, arrogant, and immature to me. Is that really the best way to get a point across?

I think that Seattle is generally a pretty bike friendly town, the city has dumped countless dollars into road improvment projects and have created bike lanes through all the downtown streets. What do these bicyclists want, a medal? They complain that people don't yield to them or give them enough space. I'm sure there are cyclists who do obey the rules of the road, but I have personally witnessed a lot of bikers who ride reckless and dangerously.

The other day in the local newspapers it was reported that a driver got caught in the critical mass demonstration this past Friday while pulling out of a parking space in his subaru wagon. He was pulled from his car and beaten by cyclists who were angry the guy was in their way. The mob of angry bikers slashed the guys tires, dented in his car, and broke out the windows, in addition to splitting his head open. This is insane! A few of the bikers were arrested for malicious mischief. It should've been assault charges if you ask me. Also, why the heck doesn't the Seattle Police do more to either contain or stop the critical mass from occuring? They know when it will happen each month, why do they turn a blind eye? Something needs to be done to stop these out of control bikers from hurting people.

In SF they also have a monthly critical mass. Last fall, as he was recovering from surgery and walking with a cane, my dad stepped out of a restaurant and into a crosswalk in downtown SF. As he slowly moved across the street (with the white "walk" symbol illuminated across the road) suddenly the critical mass came barreling down the road. Other pedestrians in the crosswalk were able to scramble to safety, but my dad with his cane was slow moving. A biker clipped him as he rode by, knocking my dad to the ground. As he lay bleeding and trying to get up, bikers yelled mean things to him and he was almost run over by another. My dad ended up going to the hospital to stitch up his face and hands, and the biker was never caught for his actions.

F'ing cyclists.

I'll air some dirty laundry.

I know, it's summer, I should enjoy the outdoors. Believe me, I do. However, being a 5 on the 0-5 allergy scale for grass allergies, it's pretty damn hard to go outside without having a reaction since somewhere nearby there is always someone cutting their grass. So I've resigned myself to taking a vitamin D supplement, working out at the gym, and sitting on my ass in front of the TV rotting my brain. Mr.P says I watch too much tv. It's his fault really, he's the one who insisted on buying a 46" LCD tv as a housewarming gift to ourselves.

Several friends are having babies this summer, so I've committed myself to designing and handsewing them each a unique baby quilt. I'm frantically trying to finish one in the next few days and get it off in the mail before their baby is born. Quilting is a good activity for sitting and watching tv. Rather than really watch the tv, I'm listening to it.

I think Mr.P's concern over my viewing habits are that I watch what he deams to be poor quality tv. We all have our vices, mine is reality tv. America's Next Top Model, Legally Blonde the Musical: The Search for the Next Elle Woods, The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, Farmer Wants a Wife. Those are the main ones that kept my interest in the past few months. Unfortunately, they are now over and I am hard pressed to find some quality reality tv to fill that void. I did find "Tori and Dean Home Sweet Hollywood" which is growing on me. But it's a mere hour per week, I need at least one or two more hours to fullfill my weekly fix.

This may sound weird, but I have always had a bit of an irrational fear of little people. As in, dwarfs (don't use the "M" word, apparently that term is not acceptable anymore). Yes, I will admit that I am frightened by them. It's not in my top three fears (bunk beds, giant spiders, railroad crossings) but likely in the top five. I can't even really explain why, but in the rare instance I encounter a little person at the mall, the grocery store, or wherever, I causally move in the opposite direction. Perhaps my fear stems from a childhood fear of the movie "The Wizard of Oz." There are a lot of little people in that, so maybe that is the manifestation of my fear. It really is stupid I understand, seeing as how they are: A) normal people, B) probably nice people, C) at least a foot and a half shorter than me. At the gym the other day I was watching Oprah, and on the episode she was interviewing the family from the show "Little People, Big World." In hearing their stories and seeing them interacting, I was very interested. I'm thinking that I should set my DVR to record some episodes of "Little People, Big World" to watch while I wait for some good reality tv to come along.

Fat, Fertility, and Fear.

So as I mentioned before, I'm in the process of losing weight. Mr.P was a bad influence on me, he got me into the lazy habit of eating out all the time. From when we met until we married, I gained 30 lbs. After our wedding, I gained another 25 lbs. This spring I was horrified to see that *magic* number on the scale at the doctors office (we do not have a scale at home). It's not like I didn't realize I was heavier, I was aware, but in denial of how bad it was. In mid-April I joined Weight Watchers. It's been a positive program for me, in just over 3 months I've lost about 30 lbs. I'd like to lose another 20+ lbs before I get pregnant. I like the concept of the program, where all food items have a "point" value assigned to them based on the calories, fat and fiber. I've never been good at financial accounting, nor with my calorie consumption accounting. Having the "points" it really does keep me accountable for what I'm eating/drinking. I generally eat pretty healthy, I was just eating too much. Now we dine in a lot more, which is good because it saves us a lot of money too. I figure I should reach my weight goal by next spring.

I have this growing fear that next year when I'm in good shape and we're ready to start trying to get pregnant, it won't happen. I'm afraid we'll have fertility problems. Recently I've become addicted to reading info on thenestbaby.com and I have been really surprised by how common fertility problems are. I know it's silly to worry about things that I have no control over, and who knows, maybe we'll be one of those lucky couples who conceives right away. But what if we're not? I was hospitalized once for a ruptured ovarian cyst which can be a complication of poly-cystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS). If I do have this disorder, that could mean serious fertility issues. I try to push the fear out of my mind...but it's hard.

Other People's Kids.

Last night we had dinner at our friends, the M's house. They have a 9 month old baby girl. In thinking back on the night, I realize that I did not hold or play with her the whole time we were there. Does that make me a bad person? Here I am, someone who daydreams about having my own child, but yet I hardly acknowledge my friend's child. At one point I thought about picking her up, but I was also holding a glass of really good wine and I didn't want to risk spilling.

The truth is, by nature I am not a kid person. I don't have a lot of experience being around kids, and I'm not one of those people who loves to play with and hang out with other peoples kids at social gatherings. I feel like I'm the kind of person who will grow into being a kid person once I have my own kids. I saw this happen with my sister, she was even less kid friendly than me, and she is now an awesome, doting, stay-at-home mom to her two daughters.

It's an interesting discussion piece, the idea of whether or not kid friendly is an innate behavior, or something that can be learned. I'll have to contemplate this some more.

Starting Over.

I've recreated the blog that I began last year, which I had neglected to water much like my house plants.

I've decided to start over. Rather than me randomly musing about things that tick me off (although it may come up from time to time) I'm going to write about the journey Mr.P and I are undertaking...the beginning phase of operation baby. And when I say beginning, I mean planning and discussing phase. For overachievers like us, there are many things to do beforehand (and don't worry, when we do eventually get pregnant, I will say goodbye to the beer and wine for awhile!)

We have always talked about having kids (always a good idea to discuss this before you get married. I know a couple who didn't and ended up divorcing over their disagreement on the subject. True story). At the time we got married we were in both wedding planning zone and house renovation zone. Here we are coming up on our one year anniversary and we have had babies on the brain. Mr.P is in his early thirties, and I am turning 29 this summer. Not that our bodies are not capable of handling procreation for years and years to come...but we do realize that we would prefer to start our family sooner rather than later. Mr.P's parents were really young when they had him, and my parents were much older when they had me. Our upbringings were affected by our parents age, and in very different ways. To balance that out, we feel that starting a family in our late twenties/early thirties is just the right time for us.

The goal of this blog is to record our journey from the bottle (our beloved wine and beer) to baby (our next love). For entertainment, I'll also muse about some of the interesting, random, disgusting, and inspirational moments we have along the way.

Cheers!