I can't believe it's already December!

I'm back! I survived a week offline. Seriously, no email, no blogging, no blog reading, no online newspapers, just old fashion hanging out and talking. We left last Tuesday for Southern California, and just returned today. It's good to be back! I love Seattle so much.

I have so many things to blog about, so instead of rambling on with each topic, I'll try to sum them up here:

1. Not all cousins are created equally. The cousins we went to visit were my dad's sister's daughters. There are 4 of them, but only 3 were there for the holiday. The one who we were staying with, A, is the same age as me, and my closest cousin growing up. Her younger sister, D, is two years younger than us. The youngest in their family, W, flew in from her college on the east coast. I've seen A a few times in the past year, and I saw D last Thanksgiving when she came to my house. I hadn't seen W in 5 years (she's now 21). I cannot believe how rude she was! She threw two tantrums over the 3 days we spent with her (seriously, a 21 year old throwing a tantrum is just sad. I have zero tolerance for that kind of behavior). She left early Saturday morning, and I was quite happy to then have 3 full days with my two lovely and awesome cousins.

2. Twilight. I've heard about the hype of this series/movie over the past month, and I've offically jumped on the bandwagon. All 3 cousins I was visiting had read the books and they wanted to see the movie so I went along. It was great! I really enjoyed the movie. It made Western Washington look awesome! I started feeling homesick for my lovely trees, rain, clouds. On Friday night after the movie I started reading the first book, and I'm almost done with it. It's a little simple writing for my taste (probably why it's such a hit with teens/tweens) but entertaining. I want to go see the movie again after I finish the book later this week.

3. Baby making. I ovulated! Woo-hoo, the drugs worked! I was a little nervous about how things would work out with traveling and timing. I was equiped with the digital ovulation prediction kit the doctor gave me (which was handy enough to keep in my purse). One of the problems with the test is that it is most acurate if you have not peed in more than 4 hours, and it is best to test it in the middle of the day (it has to do with hormone levels). This is tough for me because I drink a lot of water and rarely go hours between bathroom visits. The doctor told me to start testing on cycle day 10 (which was Thanksgiving) and to anticipate ovulation most likely happening on cycle day 14-16. On Friday (cycle day 11) we were out and about and I didn't get to use the bathroom until about 5 PM, having not gone since 10 that morning. As I sat in the stall of the public bathroom at the Santa Monica Pier, I thought "what the heck" and took the test. On the digital test you get a smiley face when it detects the ovulation hormone that will be present the day prior to ovulation, otherwise it just gives you an empty circle. I got a smiley face! Luckily, due to overcrowding at my cousin A's apartment, Friday was one of the nights Mr.P and I elected to stay at the nearby Holiday Inn Express. So now I'm 3DPO (3 days post ovulation). The books all say that if timing is right, there is a 20% chance of viable pregnancy happening. So we'll see...at least we'll find out before our trip to Mexico.

4. California. I could never live in California, especially Southern California. I don't like palm trees, smog, or desert hills. The traffic is insane, it seemed like the LA area was one giant sprawl of suburbs and strip malls. I find palm trees to be very ugly and weird looking, and personally I don't like being out in the sun. We spent Saturday and Sunday out near Palm Springs in the real desert...it was 100 degrees there! That is crazy. I hate hot weather. It was a fun place to visit for a few days, but like I said...I could never live there and be happy. Plus, they have a black widow spider problem. Yuck! I'm not a big fan of spiders, especially poisonous ones.

5. Friends. We got to see two good friends (in addition to all the cousins we saw in California). My friend A is one of my oldest friends (our parents were friends so we were in playpens together). Even though our families have drifted apart and we live in totally different states, it is so great to still be in touch. It's nice to have a friend like her who I've known my whole life, and I wish we lived closer to each other so I could see her/hang out more often (because I'm terrible about email and facebook). We also got to see my friend M who I met through Craigslist a few years ago from a roommate ad. We clicked and ended up becoming good friends. She's actually the one responsible for setting up Mr.P and I, so we will forever be grateful to her for her matchmaking skills :-)

It's already the 2nd of December and I'm starting to feel the holiday crunch time stress...so many gifts to make and buy, and so little time!

Choosing the red pill or the blue pill?

I started taking vitamins last spring when I started doing Weight Watchers. I bought a big 500 count bottle of multi-vitamins at Costco. This summer when I went off BCP, I was going to switch to a prenatal vitamin, but when I compared the ingredients of the prenatal to the multi I was already taking, the only major difference was that the prenatal had twice the folic acid. So now I take my regular multi-vitamin along with a seperate folic acid supplement to give me the same folic acid that the prenatal would have contained.

But it doesn't stop there. I also take a vitamin D supplement because Mr.P's father is convinced it is the cure for cancer. (Seriously. He showed me all sorts of information and research that showed all the benefits of extra vitamin D, including reduced risk of certain cancers). It couldn't hurt, right? Besides, I'm not really a "hang out in the sun" kind of girl, paired with the fact that I live in a gray and rainy climate, which means I'm already missing out on the natural vitamin D exposure.

Mr.P likes to tease me and call me a pill popper because each night I lay out my vitamins and allergy meds on a little dish on the kitchen counter (so I don't forgot to take them). I take 1 allergy med in the morning, and 2 allergy meds at night, in addition to my 3 vitamin pills that I take in the morning. I suppose it looks like a lot on the little plate. Since we started TTC, I've also got Mr.P taking one of the multi-vitamins each morning. This is actually a big deal because Mr.P is anti-medicine. He won't even take tylenol or ib profin for a headache! It took some convincing to get him to agree to take the vitamin (maybe a little guilt tripping about how the vitamin can improve the quality of his sperm...but that is neither here nor there). Now he willingly takes his vitamin, but on the condition that once we get pregnant he can stop.

Today is cycle day 3...aka, time to start the meds that will induce ovulation. I did a lot of research into this medication before deciding to take it. I definitely did not want to take the most commonly prescribed ovulation med because it has a higher risk of multiples (10% higher than naturally conceiving multiples), and I want to try to keep this process simple. Not that twins wouldn't be lovely (I am a twin!) I just don't think I want to be a first time mother to twins. I'd rather just have one baby for now. My doctor prefers to prescribe the med I'm taking for anovulation because it has less side effects, and that made me feel a little better about taking it.

So as I opened my pill bottle this morning and pulled out my little pill, I thought, "This is it." I felt like Neo on The Matrix, being offered the blue pill to go back to his ordinary life, or the red pill to move forward. My pill is neither blue or red (actually it's yellow). I feel like I could not take it and hope that my body would start ovulating on its own, or I could take it and hope that it works to help us start our family. Not that taking this pill is any big adventure, but it does give me a little sense of panic and excitement to feel like we're moving forward. We'll see what happens in the next few weeks!

Waving my freak flag.

I received an envelope from the UW Medical Center today. At first I had a moment of panic thinking it was a bill (even though my insurance supposedly covers 100% of fertility related costs). Inside the envelope was the following typed letter:

Dear (PhinneyGirl),

Your pregnancy test was negative. I am looking forward to the results of your ovulation induction.

Sincerely,

Dr. H.

Hahaha...the backstory is funny:

Ok, so I mentioned before that I went in last Monday (for tests) and Tuesday (for the results). On Monday I had to give both a urine sample and a blood sample. I have serious issues with giving urine samples. Here's a bit of personal information: I have a shy bladder. No matter how badly I have to pee, if I am expected to do so on cue for a test, I freeze up and I can't go. Can't. I wish I could explain it, but I've had this problem my whole life. In fact, until I went away to college I had a very hard time using public restrooms (obviously this got better over time as I had to adapt to shared bathroom facilities during the past 10+ years of communal living).

So Monday during my RE appt, the doctor gave me the urine sample cup and asked me to go in the restroom and do my business and she would wait. Did I mention that the shy bladder problem gets worse when I know that someone is waiting for me? After 5-10 minutes in the bathroom (and with a full bladder) I went back to the exam room and muttered something about not being able to go. The doctor said that was fine, she would do my pelvic exam and I could take care of the urine sample after the exam.

I left the RE's office on the 3rd floor, and went down to the 1st floor where the lab is located. I did my blood draw (not a problem. Sad that I'd rather give blood than urine!) I then went into the 1st floor restroom. No trouble peeing in the cup in that bathroom! This may be TMI...but I then placed the (sealed) cup of urine in my purse. I went back up to the 3rd floor, went into the restroom, waited a minute, and then left my cup in the box where urine samples were to be placed. I gave a huge sigh of relief and left the office. Mission accomplished!

The next day was my test results appt. When the doctor came in the exam room, she pulled out a urine collection cup from a drawer. She handed it to me and said I'd need to give another sample since the nurse waited too long to test my first sample. (The purpose of the urine sample was simply to test for pregnancy since the drugs they are prescribing me to help me get pregnant are actually harmful to take during pregnancy).

I probably looked like I was going to cry (seriously, the thought of having to produce another urine sample was very upsetting). The doctor could sense I was upset, so she said, "Or if you prefer, I can just call down to the lab and have them do a blood pregnancy test from the blood draw they did yesterday, that will be more accurate anyway." I wanted to hug her when she said this! Of course I was incredibly relieved. She told me that she would call me either later that day or the next morning if the test was positive, since I was to start taking the meds the next day. She said if I didn't hear from her, it meant the test was negative. I knew it would be negative (obviously, if you're not ovulating there's no chance of getting pregnant).

As for her looking forward to the results of my ovulation induction? Yeah lady, I'm looking forward to that too. Thanks.

Ticking away, the moments that make up a dull day...

*The title is from one of my favorite Pink Floyd songs, Time*

Earlier today as I was reviewing each blog post to change names (to make the blog a bit more anonymous) I read through each old post. How much things can change in a matter of months! It's funny that time can move either slow or fast, depending on where you are at in life. For me, the past several months have moved very slowly. Not that it's a bad thing, I have certainly enjoyed my time.

In July I posted about Mr.P and I being in the discussing/planning phase of having a baby. A month later we were in the, "Let's make a baby!" mindset. Ha, if only it were that easy. I feel like once we got on the baby track, time began moving soooo slow. It's not like you can just have sex and, bam, a baby is made. Sorry friendo's, the process is a little more challenging. You have to wait until ovulation time (assuming one is actually ovulating) and even then, the window of fertility is only about 24 hours, and if sex is timed accordingly, the odds of conceiving are less than 20%. Like I've said before, babies are a miracle (unless you're a crack whore...then it's no problem getting knocked up).

The past month or so I have felt this nagging sense of limbo...not wanting to commit to plans a few months out "in case" we're pregnant. It sucks, I wish I could just freely know what was going to happen. I'm already dealing with the disappointment of knowing that we won't have a "pregnancy anouncement" for our families for the holidays. That would've been fun. I'm also realizing that if we do get pregnant in the next few months, that will mean I'll be huge (which means uncomfortable) during the summer months. I always swore I'd never have a summer or early fall baby...but now I really could care less about something so petty as that.

A different kind of learning curve.

The TTC process has opened my eyes to so many things. First of all, it has made me realize how much of a miracle babies truly are. The rates of infertility are astounding, and reading/hearing so many stories lately of women who faced years of trying and medical intervention to create new life has really challenged my preconceived notions (no pun intended, haha). Joking aside, it can be somewhat depressing too, especially when I think of how many stories I've heard of crack whores and teenagers who faced accidental or unwanted pregnancies. I try not to think about this too much, I really don't want to become that bitter person who questions fairness...it's all up to God.

Something else that is new to me is the feeling of envy. I am not an envious person by nature, I never have been. I've always been genuinely happy for people when they have good things happen to them. But lately I have felt a twinge of envy over a few people I've heard who have gotten pregnant. One was the other day at a bridal shower, one of the guests announced that she was 8 weeks along. I had just gotten my period that morning and upon hearing this woman's news, I had to hold myself back from crying out of disappointment for myself, but also a little envy of her. I know this is terrible, and as a Christian I know what the root of envy is.

The last piece I'll note is that facing trouble trying to conceive is a lonely place. Obviously I have Mr.P, but even he doesn't fully understand or feel the same level of emotion as I do. He too was disappointed that I got my period, but he is more optimistic and patient than I am. It's not something I can really talk to many people about, especially since I don't really know anyone else who is in the same situation. The few friends I have talked to keep saying the standard, "Oh, relax, you just need to relax and it'll happen." That's actually not what I need or want to hear right now. Of course if all it took was relaxing, that would be so easy! Wow! Why didn't I think of that?! Sarcasm aside... given my medical history of ovarian cysts and my current state of anovulatory cycles, I strongly suspect that it will take medical intervention to make this work. I'll find out next week, I have a consultation with a reproductive endocrinologist.

I was duped.

Maybe it's just me, but I feel like I've been lied to my whole life. In sex ed classes they make it sound like if you have unprotected sex you will get pregnant. They put the fear of God into you that sex most certainly equals babies. The truth is, getting pregnant is a lot harder than it sounds, especially once you understand all the detailed mechanics of the process. Sure there are people who get knocked up in a single encounter - but that's actually pretty rare. The window of fertility is so small (12-24 hours in a given cycle) with so many other little factors that have to come into place for pregnancy to happen.

I knew before going into the TTC process that there can be problems (especially if coming off hormonal birth control, it can take awhile to regulate the cycle and begin ovulating again). I have known people who had fertility problems, or heard of friends of friends who had fertility problems, but until I started to research the subject did I find how prevalent infertility actually is, and what actually constitutes infertility. It doesn't necessarily mean a couple will never conceive, but it can include those who have been unsuccessful in trying, and those who have been diagnosed with a condition inhibiting fertility.

It's too early for us to consider any kind of fertility testing, we've only been trying for 2 months. But it feels like forever. Especially since I am having rediculously long cycles (today is day 20 of my cycle and according to my charting and ovulation predictor tests, I have not ovulated yet). Once you get the "we want a baby" mentality, it becomes a waiting game. Waiting to ovulate. Waiting to take a HPT. Those weeks between feel like a lot longer, and while some may say "just relax" it is not that easy when all you can think about is what is going on in the lower abdomen. For a high strung person like me, I worry and stress about things more than the average person. I'm also impatient, so this process is really testing me. My fear is that 6 months down the road we still won't be pregnant, and I am most certain that the waiting and worrying won't get any easier.

Tonight at church the sermon was about letting go, about taking all the negative things that muck up our soul, and to hand those things over to God. Let God be in the drivers seat and let him deal with those difficult and negative matters. That's the best way to clear our hearts and minds of the negative things that weigh us down. During the communion prayer time I found myself tearing up thinking about how I needed to do this, I needed to stress less about conceiving and stop trying to control the process. I need to hand it over to God and let him be in control. I'm going to start working on praying about this, especially during times I am thinking too much and feeling the stress and worry creeping up on me....

So much to be thankful for.

I am really frustrated right now. My body is not cooperating and doing what I want it to do...and there is nothing I can do about it. Just wait it out. I want to be a brat and throw a tantrum, but really, what right do I have?
Just because I'm not ovulating right now (as I should be) doesn't mean I won't in the coming week or two (see, I'm optimistic!) Those dumb ovulation test sticks are a pain, a blatent "sorry" staring back in my face. I know that I need to be patient and to not worry, I need to sit back and allow this to be in God's hands. But it isn't easy. The more I try to push it out of my head, the more I think about it.
Tonight we hosted Canadian Thanksgiving at our house, it was a great party! So many good friends were able to join us to celebrate and enjoy a delicious turkey dinner. In the past few days I kept thinking of people we should've invited and feeling regret and remorse over not having extended the invite, but then I remembered, our house is so tiny...we can't hold more people.
We are so thankful for our awesome and amazing group of friends.
We are so thankful in the wake of the economic and political uncertainty that we own a home, two nice cars, and we have good jobs.
We are so thankful that our families are doing well and happy (even my father who 6 months ago I questioned whether he'd still be alive this fall).
We are so thankful that we have each other, Mr.P and I, and that we feel as much love as we do for each other.
We are so thankful that we are in a position to try and create a baby, and hopefully it will happen soon.

Wow, two months - so much to report!

I've been a bad blogger. I haven't posted in two months. Actually, that is not true, I have blogged, just not on here. I've become addicted to "the nest" a community blog/networking site for young married women which is not a blocked site from work and thus, keeping with the typical government worker, I have spent much of my days trolling/writing on the blogs on there.
So lets see... major points to note:

1. I got a new car! Yay! I am now the proud owner of a 2005 BMW X3. So one friend said I'm now officially a yuppy and she's embarressed to ride in my car. Oh well, I like it and I feel like it's a good safe car for our future offspring to ride in. The gas mileage may suck a little, but good thing my commute to work is only 5 miles. Plus, it has heated leather seats. Pretty much the greatest thing since sliced bread.

2. I ran a half marathon! At my 40 lbs lost marker, I participated in a half marathon! My time may not have been as awesome as past half marathons, but I still finished and I am proud of myself. I may not have been able to walk for a few days...but I digress.

3. We're officially TTC (trying to conceive for those of you not in the TTC world). Yup, after going off BC (birth control) this summer, our initial intention was to level out my hormones and try "natural birth control" but after our anniversary we decided we're ready to start TTC. I've had a history of irregular cycles and ovarian cysts...so it may be a long journey. Hopefully we'll get pregnant right away (already 1 cycle of failure) but we're praying about it that God will be with us during this journey. For those of you who know me, this is especially trying since, A) I am super impatient, and B) I am a total type A personality. Luckily Mr.P is very relaxed and is able to shake my shoulders every so often and remind me that it is not in my hands. Easier said than done. I have total crazy baby fever and can't wait to start our family.

4. I am now officially 29! My birthday was last month. It was a great birthday, and with all the dinners/parties/celebrations I realized how blessed I am to have so many great friends and family that took time to celebrate with me. Plus, my puppet collection grew. I went from two puppets to 5 puppets!

5. For our 1 year anniversary Mr.P surprised me with a trip! We never did go on an official honeymoon (the weekend after our wedding we went on a 2 night trip to the Oregon coast), and he promised me someday we'd go on a *real* honeymoon. For our anniversary he surprised me with an itinerary for an 8 day cruise to Mexico! This is exciting because neither of us has been to Mexico. In early December we'll be cruising Mexico! Woo-hoo! Of course, if I'm pregnant by then I won't get to check off my "list of life dreams" visiting a tequila factory (small price to pay though).

So that's the latest friendo's. It's a rainy Friday here in Seattle. Mr.P and I are going away to Lake Quinault tomorrow for a 1 night getaway at the Lake Quinault Lodge. Even though the forcast is rain, we're looking forward to a relaxing and quiet mini-trip.

Fat, Fertility, and Fear.

So as I mentioned before, I'm in the process of losing weight. Mr.P was a bad influence on me, he got me into the lazy habit of eating out all the time. From when we met until we married, I gained 30 lbs. After our wedding, I gained another 25 lbs. This spring I was horrified to see that *magic* number on the scale at the doctors office (we do not have a scale at home). It's not like I didn't realize I was heavier, I was aware, but in denial of how bad it was. In mid-April I joined Weight Watchers. It's been a positive program for me, in just over 3 months I've lost about 30 lbs. I'd like to lose another 20+ lbs before I get pregnant. I like the concept of the program, where all food items have a "point" value assigned to them based on the calories, fat and fiber. I've never been good at financial accounting, nor with my calorie consumption accounting. Having the "points" it really does keep me accountable for what I'm eating/drinking. I generally eat pretty healthy, I was just eating too much. Now we dine in a lot more, which is good because it saves us a lot of money too. I figure I should reach my weight goal by next spring.

I have this growing fear that next year when I'm in good shape and we're ready to start trying to get pregnant, it won't happen. I'm afraid we'll have fertility problems. Recently I've become addicted to reading info on thenestbaby.com and I have been really surprised by how common fertility problems are. I know it's silly to worry about things that I have no control over, and who knows, maybe we'll be one of those lucky couples who conceives right away. But what if we're not? I was hospitalized once for a ruptured ovarian cyst which can be a complication of poly-cystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS). If I do have this disorder, that could mean serious fertility issues. I try to push the fear out of my mind...but it's hard.