Mr.P loves high tech gagets, computers, etc. He fully admits to being a geek, and I love his geekiness (we even have a onesie in our stash that is green with the words "my dad's a geek" embossed on the front).
This evening we were shopping at U Village. Mr.P loves making small talk with random people, so as we waited in line at Starbucks, he commented to the people behind us, "That's a really nice baby carriage you've got there." I noticed it, the aerodynamic wheels/frame...it looked expensive. The norwegian name embroidered on the undercarriage indicated to me that this was the Volvo of baby carriages. I politely smiled and said to Mr.P, "And when we have a baby, you can do all the consumer research into all the stroller options!" His smile was sincere, since there is no doubt he will research all the options for days on end, when the time comes. That's just how he is, and it's one of the things I love about him.
After we left the Starbucks, I told Mr.P that particular baby carriage was probably over $1000. He seemed surprised, but kind of shrugged his shoulders. When we got home I looked it up online, just for shits and giggles. Yup, that model was $1200. I laughed and showed him the website on my laptop.
He responded with, " Well, a good baby stroller isn't going to be cheap. We both drive BMW's...our kid isn't going to ride around in the Hyundai of strollers, that's for sure."
Hmm...he has a point.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Friday, November 21, 2008
I have to share air with these people?
Mr.P teases me about my slight addiction to people.com (People magazine online). I know, I probably lose precious brain cells each time I read it.
I saw this morning that Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz had their baby, a boy named Bronx Mowgli Wentz. Seriously? I'm not a fan of trendy names (like naming kids after cities), but I also don't like harsh sounding combinations. The middle name aside, Bronx Wentz does not flow together. Just another dumb celebrity couple giving their kid a stupid name!
I cringe when I hear most of the names that people are frequently giving children these days. I used to laugh about names I deemed to be "stripper/porn star" names, but even some of those names seem tame in comparison to the rediculous and unusual names of recent years. I really like my name, it is wholesome and traditional. All members of my family and Mr.P's family have what I would consider to be "normal" names with standard spellings (the only exception is one set of cousins who have Hawaiian names given by their father who was raised in Hawaii).
Since we are in the TTC process, we've obviously discussed names at length. Mr.P has a roman numeral after his name (he's the 4th) and I've known since our 3rd date that if we were to have a son, he must be the 5th. As for girls, the first born daughter will be named after my mother. We have a few other names that we like if we have multiple children, and all of those names are traditional and biblical.
I'm also not a fan of creative ways to spell a name. Like Jayden, Jaidon, Jaydyn. When I was a kid I loved to get personalized souveniors on vacations. With funky name spellings, that makes it near impossible for a kid to experience this. One friend who works with newborns in a local hospital joked that she thinks some of the parents are too dumb to spell the name properly on the birth certificate, and that other people think it'll make their kid special if his/her name is spelled differently.
Whatever. I think it's completely stupid, but that's just my opinion!
I saw this morning that Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz had their baby, a boy named Bronx Mowgli Wentz. Seriously? I'm not a fan of trendy names (like naming kids after cities), but I also don't like harsh sounding combinations. The middle name aside, Bronx Wentz does not flow together. Just another dumb celebrity couple giving their kid a stupid name!
I cringe when I hear most of the names that people are frequently giving children these days. I used to laugh about names I deemed to be "stripper/porn star" names, but even some of those names seem tame in comparison to the rediculous and unusual names of recent years. I really like my name, it is wholesome and traditional. All members of my family and Mr.P's family have what I would consider to be "normal" names with standard spellings (the only exception is one set of cousins who have Hawaiian names given by their father who was raised in Hawaii).
Since we are in the TTC process, we've obviously discussed names at length. Mr.P has a roman numeral after his name (he's the 4th) and I've known since our 3rd date that if we were to have a son, he must be the 5th. As for girls, the first born daughter will be named after my mother. We have a few other names that we like if we have multiple children, and all of those names are traditional and biblical.
I'm also not a fan of creative ways to spell a name. Like Jayden, Jaidon, Jaydyn. When I was a kid I loved to get personalized souveniors on vacations. With funky name spellings, that makes it near impossible for a kid to experience this. One friend who works with newborns in a local hospital joked that she thinks some of the parents are too dumb to spell the name properly on the birth certificate, and that other people think it'll make their kid special if his/her name is spelled differently.
Whatever. I think it's completely stupid, but that's just my opinion!
Thursday, November 20, 2008
There are no words....
Tonight I found out that my grandmother was robbed today. She left her door unlocked while her gardener was over working in the yard, and a strange man walked into her house. He stole several hundred dollars in cash from her purse, all her credit cards, and tons of her antique jewelry she has spent a lifetime collecting.
Grandma is a sweet old lady, blind in one eye and barely mobile (she uses a walker but should be in a wheelchair). It really takes a low life to walk into an old woman's home and steel from her, right in front of her, while she is unable to fight for her property. She is completely devastated about this, as is the whole family who have allowed her the freedom to continue living on her own. I hope that the man who did this is caught, or at least experiences the karmic repercussions he is due for such a horrible crime.
Grandma is a sweet old lady, blind in one eye and barely mobile (she uses a walker but should be in a wheelchair). It really takes a low life to walk into an old woman's home and steel from her, right in front of her, while she is unable to fight for her property. She is completely devastated about this, as is the whole family who have allowed her the freedom to continue living on her own. I hope that the man who did this is caught, or at least experiences the karmic repercussions he is due for such a horrible crime.
Choosing the red pill or the blue pill?
I started taking vitamins last spring when I started doing Weight Watchers. I bought a big 500 count bottle of multi-vitamins at Costco. This summer when I went off BCP, I was going to switch to a prenatal vitamin, but when I compared the ingredients of the prenatal to the multi I was already taking, the only major difference was that the prenatal had twice the folic acid. So now I take my regular multi-vitamin along with a seperate folic acid supplement to give me the same folic acid that the prenatal would have contained.
But it doesn't stop there. I also take a vitamin D supplement because Mr.P's father is convinced it is the cure for cancer. (Seriously. He showed me all sorts of information and research that showed all the benefits of extra vitamin D, including reduced risk of certain cancers). It couldn't hurt, right? Besides, I'm not really a "hang out in the sun" kind of girl, paired with the fact that I live in a gray and rainy climate, which means I'm already missing out on the natural vitamin D exposure.
Mr.P likes to tease me and call me a pill popper because each night I lay out my vitamins and allergy meds on a little dish on the kitchen counter (so I don't forgot to take them). I take 1 allergy med in the morning, and 2 allergy meds at night, in addition to my 3 vitamin pills that I take in the morning. I suppose it looks like a lot on the little plate. Since we started TTC, I've also got Mr.P taking one of the multi-vitamins each morning. This is actually a big deal because Mr.P is anti-medicine. He won't even take tylenol or ib profin for a headache! It took some convincing to get him to agree to take the vitamin (maybe a little guilt tripping about how the vitamin can improve the quality of his sperm...but that is neither here nor there). Now he willingly takes his vitamin, but on the condition that once we get pregnant he can stop.
Today is cycle day 3...aka, time to start the meds that will induce ovulation. I did a lot of research into this medication before deciding to take it. I definitely did not want to take the most commonly prescribed ovulation med because it has a higher risk of multiples (10% higher than naturally conceiving multiples), and I want to try to keep this process simple. Not that twins wouldn't be lovely (I am a twin!) I just don't think I want to be a first time mother to twins. I'd rather just have one baby for now. My doctor prefers to prescribe the med I'm taking for anovulation because it has less side effects, and that made me feel a little better about taking it.
So as I opened my pill bottle this morning and pulled out my little pill, I thought, "This is it." I felt like Neo on The Matrix, being offered the blue pill to go back to his ordinary life, or the red pill to move forward. My pill is neither blue or red (actually it's yellow). I feel like I could not take it and hope that my body would start ovulating on its own, or I could take it and hope that it works to help us start our family. Not that taking this pill is any big adventure, but it does give me a little sense of panic and excitement to feel like we're moving forward. We'll see what happens in the next few weeks!
But it doesn't stop there. I also take a vitamin D supplement because Mr.P's father is convinced it is the cure for cancer. (Seriously. He showed me all sorts of information and research that showed all the benefits of extra vitamin D, including reduced risk of certain cancers). It couldn't hurt, right? Besides, I'm not really a "hang out in the sun" kind of girl, paired with the fact that I live in a gray and rainy climate, which means I'm already missing out on the natural vitamin D exposure.
Mr.P likes to tease me and call me a pill popper because each night I lay out my vitamins and allergy meds on a little dish on the kitchen counter (so I don't forgot to take them). I take 1 allergy med in the morning, and 2 allergy meds at night, in addition to my 3 vitamin pills that I take in the morning. I suppose it looks like a lot on the little plate. Since we started TTC, I've also got Mr.P taking one of the multi-vitamins each morning. This is actually a big deal because Mr.P is anti-medicine. He won't even take tylenol or ib profin for a headache! It took some convincing to get him to agree to take the vitamin (maybe a little guilt tripping about how the vitamin can improve the quality of his sperm...but that is neither here nor there). Now he willingly takes his vitamin, but on the condition that once we get pregnant he can stop.
Today is cycle day 3...aka, time to start the meds that will induce ovulation. I did a lot of research into this medication before deciding to take it. I definitely did not want to take the most commonly prescribed ovulation med because it has a higher risk of multiples (10% higher than naturally conceiving multiples), and I want to try to keep this process simple. Not that twins wouldn't be lovely (I am a twin!) I just don't think I want to be a first time mother to twins. I'd rather just have one baby for now. My doctor prefers to prescribe the med I'm taking for anovulation because it has less side effects, and that made me feel a little better about taking it.
So as I opened my pill bottle this morning and pulled out my little pill, I thought, "This is it." I felt like Neo on The Matrix, being offered the blue pill to go back to his ordinary life, or the red pill to move forward. My pill is neither blue or red (actually it's yellow). I feel like I could not take it and hope that my body would start ovulating on its own, or I could take it and hope that it works to help us start our family. Not that taking this pill is any big adventure, but it does give me a little sense of panic and excitement to feel like we're moving forward. We'll see what happens in the next few weeks!
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
I think Jared must suffer from some serious hypertension.
I'm not really a salty foods kind of person. I've had this inner ear thing since I was in high school, and since then I've always been very conscious of my salt intake.
I forgot my lunch today, and was trying to do something healthy. I went to Subway. I got a 6 inch meatball sub (Ok, I know, not the healthiest one they have, but it looked like the tastiest and and I needed something to take my mind off the miserable cramps I was experiencing). The sub tasted delicious! I would go there more often, except the chicks who work at the Subway by my office kind of look like methheads....but that would be a whole different post for another day.
Later this afternoon I started feeling so bloated, even my fingers were looking slightly sausage like. I looked on Subway's website and balked at the sodium content of their sandwiches. Damn! I think the bread must have a shelf life of 2 years seeing as how much sodium it has....how the heck could Jared eat those things for months?!
I forgot my lunch today, and was trying to do something healthy. I went to Subway. I got a 6 inch meatball sub (Ok, I know, not the healthiest one they have, but it looked like the tastiest and and I needed something to take my mind off the miserable cramps I was experiencing). The sub tasted delicious! I would go there more often, except the chicks who work at the Subway by my office kind of look like methheads....but that would be a whole different post for another day.
Later this afternoon I started feeling so bloated, even my fingers were looking slightly sausage like. I looked on Subway's website and balked at the sodium content of their sandwiches. Damn! I think the bread must have a shelf life of 2 years seeing as how much sodium it has....how the heck could Jared eat those things for months?!
Let's talk about: periods.
*A small disclaimer: this may be gross. If you can't handle discussing blood or bodily fluids, this post is not for you*
It was only in the past few months that I learned that a period only occurs after a normal menstrual cycle that includes ovulation. If you are anovulatory (like me) when you "get your period" it's not really a period, it's actually called breakthrough bleeding. Breakthrough bleeding is often not as heavy as a period, and it doesn't usually involve all the symptoms one would get with their period (like heavy cramps, bloating, headaches). Women who take hormonal birth control also do not get a period, again, it's just breakthrough bleeding.
After years of hormonal birth control, followed by months of anovulation, I don't really remember what a real period is like.
Until today.
The prescription that I was taking a couple weeks ago (the one that made me nauseas) was a drug called Provera. The purpose for taking it was to bring on a period. Not breakthrough bleeding, but a period to reset my cycle. I asked the doctor about the necessity of taking this as opposed to just waiting for my next breakthrough bleeding cycle, but she assured me that it was important to bring on a true period. My next prescription is an ovulation inducing drug to be taken cycle days 3-7. She said if I did not have a true period, the uterine lining would not be the right thickness to enable pregnancy after the ovulation induction occurs. I'll take her word on that.
The Provera was to trick my body into thinking it had a normal menstrual cycle so that it would bring on an actual period. Since it's been YEARS since I had an actual period, this one is my body's revenge on me. Debilitating cramps, extremely heavy flow, mood swings, bloating....I actually started crying earlier today because I was so miserable.
I would love to climb into a nice warm bathtub, but my tiny ass house only has a shower. When we bought our house I recognized it was technically only a 3/4 bath house, but at the time I didn't think it would be that big of a deal to not have a tub. Hahahaha. Every time I go to my sister's house I look forward to a nice soak in her tub. The next house we buy must have a bathtub.
It was only in the past few months that I learned that a period only occurs after a normal menstrual cycle that includes ovulation. If you are anovulatory (like me) when you "get your period" it's not really a period, it's actually called breakthrough bleeding. Breakthrough bleeding is often not as heavy as a period, and it doesn't usually involve all the symptoms one would get with their period (like heavy cramps, bloating, headaches). Women who take hormonal birth control also do not get a period, again, it's just breakthrough bleeding.
After years of hormonal birth control, followed by months of anovulation, I don't really remember what a real period is like.
Until today.
The prescription that I was taking a couple weeks ago (the one that made me nauseas) was a drug called Provera. The purpose for taking it was to bring on a period. Not breakthrough bleeding, but a period to reset my cycle. I asked the doctor about the necessity of taking this as opposed to just waiting for my next breakthrough bleeding cycle, but she assured me that it was important to bring on a true period. My next prescription is an ovulation inducing drug to be taken cycle days 3-7. She said if I did not have a true period, the uterine lining would not be the right thickness to enable pregnancy after the ovulation induction occurs. I'll take her word on that.
The Provera was to trick my body into thinking it had a normal menstrual cycle so that it would bring on an actual period. Since it's been YEARS since I had an actual period, this one is my body's revenge on me. Debilitating cramps, extremely heavy flow, mood swings, bloating....I actually started crying earlier today because I was so miserable.
I would love to climb into a nice warm bathtub, but my tiny ass house only has a shower. When we bought our house I recognized it was technically only a 3/4 bath house, but at the time I didn't think it would be that big of a deal to not have a tub. Hahahaha. Every time I go to my sister's house I look forward to a nice soak in her tub. The next house we buy must have a bathtub.
Monday, November 17, 2008
Moving forward.
I feel like I'm starting to break out of my funk. My patience is growing, and I'm feeling less consumed with thought about the TTC process. It's been nice the past two weeks knowing where I stand in the process, and not having to worry about checking my temp each morning or doing the ovulation predictor tests. Two weeks ago I felt impatient knowing that I was going to have to reset my cycle and it would take a month or so from there before we could actually try to make this happen, but now I'm enjoying my time. I've started giving myself positive affirmations about the time ahead:
"I can enjoy some great wine over Thanksgiving weekend since I won't be pregnant or ovulating yet!"
"If we get pregnant around Christmastime, the baby's due date will be right around my birthday! How cool would that be?!"
"If we get pregnant in the next few months, we can make really cute Valentine's Day announcement cards!"
Maybe that sounds cheesy to be thinking like this, but it helps make me feel good and makes me less anxious about waiting.
I've also gotten my butt in gear at work and I've been able to catch up on stuff (after the death in our office I was quite unmotivated). J's position has not been filled yet, but I'm somehow managing to get both my workload and his taken care of.
Now I need to start planning for Christmas! I'm way behind where I'm normally at with my shopping/gift buying. Usually I have most gifts ordered/purchased by Thanksgiving, and so far I have very little done.
"I can enjoy some great wine over Thanksgiving weekend since I won't be pregnant or ovulating yet!"
"If we get pregnant around Christmastime, the baby's due date will be right around my birthday! How cool would that be?!"
"If we get pregnant in the next few months, we can make really cute Valentine's Day announcement cards!"
Maybe that sounds cheesy to be thinking like this, but it helps make me feel good and makes me less anxious about waiting.
I've also gotten my butt in gear at work and I've been able to catch up on stuff (after the death in our office I was quite unmotivated). J's position has not been filled yet, but I'm somehow managing to get both my workload and his taken care of.
Now I need to start planning for Christmas! I'm way behind where I'm normally at with my shopping/gift buying. Usually I have most gifts ordered/purchased by Thanksgiving, and so far I have very little done.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Waving my freak flag.
I received an envelope from the UW Medical Center today. At first I had a moment of panic thinking it was a bill (even though my insurance supposedly covers 100% of fertility related costs). Inside the envelope was the following typed letter:
Dear (PhinneyGirl),
Your pregnancy test was negative. I am looking forward to the results of your ovulation induction.
Sincerely,
Dr. H.
Hahaha...the backstory is funny:
Ok, so I mentioned before that I went in last Monday (for tests) and Tuesday (for the results). On Monday I had to give both a urine sample and a blood sample. I have serious issues with giving urine samples. Here's a bit of personal information: I have a shy bladder. No matter how badly I have to pee, if I am expected to do so on cue for a test, I freeze up and I can't go. Can't. I wish I could explain it, but I've had this problem my whole life. In fact, until I went away to college I had a very hard time using public restrooms (obviously this got better over time as I had to adapt to shared bathroom facilities during the past 10+ years of communal living).
So Monday during my RE appt, the doctor gave me the urine sample cup and asked me to go in the restroom and do my business and she would wait. Did I mention that the shy bladder problem gets worse when I know that someone is waiting for me? After 5-10 minutes in the bathroom (and with a full bladder) I went back to the exam room and muttered something about not being able to go. The doctor said that was fine, she would do my pelvic exam and I could take care of the urine sample after the exam.
I left the RE's office on the 3rd floor, and went down to the 1st floor where the lab is located. I did my blood draw (not a problem. Sad that I'd rather give blood than urine!) I then went into the 1st floor restroom. No trouble peeing in the cup in that bathroom! This may be TMI...but I then placed the (sealed) cup of urine in my purse. I went back up to the 3rd floor, went into the restroom, waited a minute, and then left my cup in the box where urine samples were to be placed. I gave a huge sigh of relief and left the office. Mission accomplished!
The next day was my test results appt. When the doctor came in the exam room, she pulled out a urine collection cup from a drawer. She handed it to me and said I'd need to give another sample since the nurse waited too long to test my first sample. (The purpose of the urine sample was simply to test for pregnancy since the drugs they are prescribing me to help me get pregnant are actually harmful to take during pregnancy).
I probably looked like I was going to cry (seriously, the thought of having to produce another urine sample was very upsetting). The doctor could sense I was upset, so she said, "Or if you prefer, I can just call down to the lab and have them do a blood pregnancy test from the blood draw they did yesterday, that will be more accurate anyway." I wanted to hug her when she said this! Of course I was incredibly relieved. She told me that she would call me either later that day or the next morning if the test was positive, since I was to start taking the meds the next day. She said if I didn't hear from her, it meant the test was negative. I knew it would be negative (obviously, if you're not ovulating there's no chance of getting pregnant).
As for her looking forward to the results of my ovulation induction? Yeah lady, I'm looking forward to that too. Thanks.
Dear (PhinneyGirl),
Your pregnancy test was negative. I am looking forward to the results of your ovulation induction.
Sincerely,
Dr. H.
Hahaha...the backstory is funny:
Ok, so I mentioned before that I went in last Monday (for tests) and Tuesday (for the results). On Monday I had to give both a urine sample and a blood sample. I have serious issues with giving urine samples. Here's a bit of personal information: I have a shy bladder. No matter how badly I have to pee, if I am expected to do so on cue for a test, I freeze up and I can't go. Can't. I wish I could explain it, but I've had this problem my whole life. In fact, until I went away to college I had a very hard time using public restrooms (obviously this got better over time as I had to adapt to shared bathroom facilities during the past 10+ years of communal living).
So Monday during my RE appt, the doctor gave me the urine sample cup and asked me to go in the restroom and do my business and she would wait. Did I mention that the shy bladder problem gets worse when I know that someone is waiting for me? After 5-10 minutes in the bathroom (and with a full bladder) I went back to the exam room and muttered something about not being able to go. The doctor said that was fine, she would do my pelvic exam and I could take care of the urine sample after the exam.
I left the RE's office on the 3rd floor, and went down to the 1st floor where the lab is located. I did my blood draw (not a problem. Sad that I'd rather give blood than urine!) I then went into the 1st floor restroom. No trouble peeing in the cup in that bathroom! This may be TMI...but I then placed the (sealed) cup of urine in my purse. I went back up to the 3rd floor, went into the restroom, waited a minute, and then left my cup in the box where urine samples were to be placed. I gave a huge sigh of relief and left the office. Mission accomplished!
The next day was my test results appt. When the doctor came in the exam room, she pulled out a urine collection cup from a drawer. She handed it to me and said I'd need to give another sample since the nurse waited too long to test my first sample. (The purpose of the urine sample was simply to test for pregnancy since the drugs they are prescribing me to help me get pregnant are actually harmful to take during pregnancy).
I probably looked like I was going to cry (seriously, the thought of having to produce another urine sample was very upsetting). The doctor could sense I was upset, so she said, "Or if you prefer, I can just call down to the lab and have them do a blood pregnancy test from the blood draw they did yesterday, that will be more accurate anyway." I wanted to hug her when she said this! Of course I was incredibly relieved. She told me that she would call me either later that day or the next morning if the test was positive, since I was to start taking the meds the next day. She said if I didn't hear from her, it meant the test was negative. I knew it would be negative (obviously, if you're not ovulating there's no chance of getting pregnant).
As for her looking forward to the results of my ovulation induction? Yeah lady, I'm looking forward to that too. Thanks.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Great minds think alike....
I was super excited about the Christmas gift I got for Mr.P last weekend at a silent auction. Not only did I find him an awesome gift, the money I paid for it went to a great local charity. Score!
During my weekly phone call with my mother, I mentioned the gift and how excited I was about it. She responded with an, "Oh no." I was like, "What?" Then she proceeded to tell me that she had bought the same gift as a combined gift for he and I for Christmas. I laughed about how funny that was, and she got mad. She exclaimed, "You shouldn't be going out and buying stuff right before the holidays! You've ruined my gift now!"
Um, yeah...it's not like I was out "buying stuff" before the holidays...I was shopping for a gift for my husband! Geez. She's lucky I told her, it'll be a lot easier for her to return the item now then it would be in a few months!
During my weekly phone call with my mother, I mentioned the gift and how excited I was about it. She responded with an, "Oh no." I was like, "What?" Then she proceeded to tell me that she had bought the same gift as a combined gift for he and I for Christmas. I laughed about how funny that was, and she got mad. She exclaimed, "You shouldn't be going out and buying stuff right before the holidays! You've ruined my gift now!"
Um, yeah...it's not like I was out "buying stuff" before the holidays...I was shopping for a gift for my husband! Geez. She's lucky I told her, it'll be a lot easier for her to return the item now then it would be in a few months!
I'd like to order a tall coffee and some sunlight.
All day I kept contemplating a drive down to Starbucks. Part of it is to have a warm coffee beverage, part of it is to escape the office. Since there was a funeral where I work today and the parking situation was a bit dicey due to said funeral, I opted to wait until that event was over. About ten minutes ago I started debating what to order, and I realized that I hadn't had caffeine in a week. Yay PhinneyGirl! But then I remembered, oops, I had a triple grande soy gingerbread latte yesterday (and it was delicious). In my efforts to cut back on caffeine, I decided that I should not have caffeine two days in a row. I also lack the willpower to walk into a Starbucks and willingly order decaf, so instead I'll just avoid it all together. Sigh.
Is it just me or is it getting dark really early? I know, daylight savings time kicked in, but seriously, it's barely after 4 o'clock here and it's nearly pitch black outside! It seemed like last week we still had some daylight around 4 o'clock. I can handle the rain no problem...but the darkness really gets to me. I shudder at the thought of the months ahead where I arrive at work in the dark, and leave in the dark.
Is it just me or is it getting dark really early? I know, daylight savings time kicked in, but seriously, it's barely after 4 o'clock here and it's nearly pitch black outside! It seemed like last week we still had some daylight around 4 o'clock. I can handle the rain no problem...but the darkness really gets to me. I shudder at the thought of the months ahead where I arrive at work in the dark, and leave in the dark.
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