(Un)happy halloween.

When I was a kid, I loved halloween. Not the scary parts of it (I've always been a whimp about scary movies, ghost stories, etc). What I loved was the costume part, and of course the candy. My mom is a crafty lady, and she would always sew us really awesome and original costumes (we were not allowed to be witches, ghosts, goblins, or anything resembling something satanic). We usually participated in church halloween festivities, and of course trick or treating. I loved going to school in my costume and seeing what my classmates were dressed as.

Last year I was really excited to be in my own house and to pass out candy. We bought a ton of candy, but only had about 10 trick or treaters. So because of that, I'm going to hide out in the back room of my house with the front lights off to avoid buying or passing out candy tonight. It's been a rough couple of weeks, and it's too exhausting right now to make chit chat with people and to smile and act happy. I know things will get better in time, but for now I just want to lay low.

This has been a strange halloween. I have not been excited at all today (partly because I am so tired from getting a crappy nights sleep last night, and I feel like I'm coming down with a nasty cold). It was sad going in to work knowing that J wouldn't be there, because he always had some sort of halloween surprise and he had a special halloween music CD he'd play all day the past two halloweens. On the radio station I listen to (Spirit 105.3) they were playing Christmas music all day. At first I thought this was a brilliant idea, but by the drive home from work I decided I'm not ready for Christmas yet.

I'm glad the week is finally over (it felt like a really long week) and I'm looking forward to just relaxing and spending a quiet weekend at home with Mr.P.

A different kind of learning curve.

The TTC process has opened my eyes to so many things. First of all, it has made me realize how much of a miracle babies truly are. The rates of infertility are astounding, and reading/hearing so many stories lately of women who faced years of trying and medical intervention to create new life has really challenged my preconceived notions (no pun intended, haha). Joking aside, it can be somewhat depressing too, especially when I think of how many stories I've heard of crack whores and teenagers who faced accidental or unwanted pregnancies. I try not to think about this too much, I really don't want to become that bitter person who questions fairness...it's all up to God.

Something else that is new to me is the feeling of envy. I am not an envious person by nature, I never have been. I've always been genuinely happy for people when they have good things happen to them. But lately I have felt a twinge of envy over a few people I've heard who have gotten pregnant. One was the other day at a bridal shower, one of the guests announced that she was 8 weeks along. I had just gotten my period that morning and upon hearing this woman's news, I had to hold myself back from crying out of disappointment for myself, but also a little envy of her. I know this is terrible, and as a Christian I know what the root of envy is.

The last piece I'll note is that facing trouble trying to conceive is a lonely place. Obviously I have Mr.P, but even he doesn't fully understand or feel the same level of emotion as I do. He too was disappointed that I got my period, but he is more optimistic and patient than I am. It's not something I can really talk to many people about, especially since I don't really know anyone else who is in the same situation. The few friends I have talked to keep saying the standard, "Oh, relax, you just need to relax and it'll happen." That's actually not what I need or want to hear right now. Of course if all it took was relaxing, that would be so easy! Wow! Why didn't I think of that?! Sarcasm aside... given my medical history of ovarian cysts and my current state of anovulatory cycles, I strongly suspect that it will take medical intervention to make this work. I'll find out next week, I have a consultation with a reproductive endocrinologist.

He was more than just a box of stuff.

Earlier this evening I visited the wife of J, my co-worker who died this week. Yesterday I packed up all his stuff, the sweater hanging on the back of his chair, his picture frames of his family, his sneakers he kept under his desk in case he had time to sneak away for a walk at lunch. Packing up his stuff made it easier for T and I to be in our small workspace the three of us shared. Of course, if it were Mr.P who suddenly died I think that I would not want anything at home touched or moved or washed, it would take me a while to be able to pack things up. But with J, it was easiest to box his things and try to do the best we can to continue our work (though thankfully it has been a slow week, because neither T or I are very motivated right now).

C talked to J's wife this afternoon to get the memorial service information. He found out that she wanted to get the pictures back right away that were on his desk since they are putting together a slide show for the memorial. Since I live the closest to them, it made sense for me to be the one to take her the box of stuff.

I ended up skipping my class tonight; by the time I got home to eat a quick dinner and grab my tools/supplies I just didn't feel like going or feel capable of working with dangerous tools/machines. It's OK, I can make up the class next week or the week after since the teacher is there three nights a week. I'm having a hard time with my anger; particularly at two people in our building who had caused a lot of stress for J in the past two weeks (personality issues) and while I know they aren't the cause of his heart attack, the stress they caused him must've played at least a tiny role in bringing it on. The anger kind of hits me in waves, and then it subsides, only to return a little while later. I already disliked these two people in the building, but now I have zero respect for them.

J's wife was so sweet, and she seemed so strong and really had it together despite the circumstances. She invited me in and I sat and talked with her for about 10 minutes. She told me that J always thought really highly of me, and I let her know how proud he was of her and their son, constantly talking of them and how important they were to him. I had not been to their house before, but from the descriptions J had given me, it looked just like I expected it would. I was impressed with how strong J's wife seemed (though I'm sure she has her moments) because I know that if I were in her situation I would be a complete mess.

Not much else I can think of to say....but it does make me feel really needy of Mr.P. I have called him a few times extra per day, and I find myself getting really impatient waiting for him to come home from work.

Strength doesn't always appear in common ways.

There are few words to describe the day I've had. Shocked? Stressed? Overwhelmed? Relieved? Thankful? Sad? Those are just a few words to describe some of the things I have felt and thought over the past 12 hours.

This morning I was driving to pick up my mom to take her for a routine colonoscopy. Ten minutes before I arrived to pick her up, one of my co-workers, T, called to let me know that our other co-worker, J, had suffered a heart attack last night (we're a small 4 person office if you count our supervisor, C, who is only on site once a week). T didn't know any details, other than the fact that he'd had a heart attack. I was worried, but knew J was young, strong, resilient, and would be fine. The details could be dealt with later.

I got my mom to her appt, and a few hours later I received another call, this time from C. I hope this conversation will not forever haunt me, though I have played this conversation over in my head dozens of times. It's hard to forget.

C, "Hey kid, what's shaking? When was the last time you saw J?"
Me, "Um, 4 o'clock yesterday when he left work."
C, "Well, it was the last time you'll ever see him. He dropped dead last night."

My heart dropped and I began shaking (which rarely happens to me). And then the details came out. Yes, J had a massive heart attack. He was at home, and his wife and son found him keeled over. They called 911 and no efforts to revive him worked. Gone. Just like that. I feel horrible for his wife and son (13 yrs old), and it's just before the holidays. J just turned 49 a few weeks ago. I can't even begin to touch on the many reasons for why it is so unfair for him to have died. He was a good person, and he was so proud of what a great husband and father he was. He adored his family, and he talked about them all the time. To just have his life ripped away without warning like that just leaves me feeling so sick with heartache for his family.

Tonight Mr.P and I were watching last night's episode of "How I Met Your Mother" (our favorite show we DVR'd) and there was a scene where Ted encounters his fiance's ex-husband in a karate outfit, and I felt so sad thinking, "This is so applicable to a situation J dealt with! Damn, if he didn't die last night I would so tell him about this TV storyline tomorrow and he would get such a kick out of it." But there will not be a tomorrow for me to see him.

That's the problem with death. Especially unexpected death. At another point this evening I opened the drawer that houses my cookie cutters. I saw my newest ones, a republican elephant and a democratic donkey along with my red/white/blue sprinkles I bought in prep for election day. I exclaimed to Mr.P, "Oh shit, J won't get to see my election day cookies. He would appreciate them more than anyone else in the office." I felt a genuine sadness for the lost opportunity to share my future election day cookies with him. How stupid is that? How selfish is that to be upset that a dead person won't get to see/enjoy my dumb cookies?

Really, what right do I have? Who am I? I'm just a co-worker. We worked together for the past 2.5 years. We shared an office, and our desks were adjacent (much like Jim and Dwight on "The Office"). Sure, J and I got along for the most part, but we definitely had our major differences and we were both very vocal about pointing out "the right way" (which wasn't the same way) of how to do things. We didn't really hang out outside of work, except that he and his wife came to my wedding last year, and earlier this summer Mr.P and I went sailing with them on their boat one evening (this is how I want to forever remember J - how he looked when he was sailing. He was focused, yet relaxed and at ease and in his element in a way I never saw him at work).

We had a very volatile political argument yesteday afternoon (him defending Gov. Christine Gregoire against my reasons why she didn't deserve re-election). Following the argument we had our "quiet time" where we ignored each other for a bit, but in the last hour of the day we chatted again, and when he left we were on good terms and gave each other a genuine farewell for the day.

It will probably take awhile to complete the full circle of grief, and to stop the feelings of sadness, guilt, and anger that keep coming over me. I'm trying to just close my eyes during these moments, and picture J sailing his boat with the wind in his hair.

I was duped.

Maybe it's just me, but I feel like I've been lied to my whole life. In sex ed classes they make it sound like if you have unprotected sex you will get pregnant. They put the fear of God into you that sex most certainly equals babies. The truth is, getting pregnant is a lot harder than it sounds, especially once you understand all the detailed mechanics of the process. Sure there are people who get knocked up in a single encounter - but that's actually pretty rare. The window of fertility is so small (12-24 hours in a given cycle) with so many other little factors that have to come into place for pregnancy to happen.

I knew before going into the TTC process that there can be problems (especially if coming off hormonal birth control, it can take awhile to regulate the cycle and begin ovulating again). I have known people who had fertility problems, or heard of friends of friends who had fertility problems, but until I started to research the subject did I find how prevalent infertility actually is, and what actually constitutes infertility. It doesn't necessarily mean a couple will never conceive, but it can include those who have been unsuccessful in trying, and those who have been diagnosed with a condition inhibiting fertility.

It's too early for us to consider any kind of fertility testing, we've only been trying for 2 months. But it feels like forever. Especially since I am having rediculously long cycles (today is day 20 of my cycle and according to my charting and ovulation predictor tests, I have not ovulated yet). Once you get the "we want a baby" mentality, it becomes a waiting game. Waiting to ovulate. Waiting to take a HPT. Those weeks between feel like a lot longer, and while some may say "just relax" it is not that easy when all you can think about is what is going on in the lower abdomen. For a high strung person like me, I worry and stress about things more than the average person. I'm also impatient, so this process is really testing me. My fear is that 6 months down the road we still won't be pregnant, and I am most certain that the waiting and worrying won't get any easier.

Tonight at church the sermon was about letting go, about taking all the negative things that muck up our soul, and to hand those things over to God. Let God be in the drivers seat and let him deal with those difficult and negative matters. That's the best way to clear our hearts and minds of the negative things that weigh us down. During the communion prayer time I found myself tearing up thinking about how I needed to do this, I needed to stress less about conceiving and stop trying to control the process. I need to hand it over to God and let him be in control. I'm going to start working on praying about this, especially during times I am thinking too much and feeling the stress and worry creeping up on me....

So much to be thankful for.

I am really frustrated right now. My body is not cooperating and doing what I want it to do...and there is nothing I can do about it. Just wait it out. I want to be a brat and throw a tantrum, but really, what right do I have?
Just because I'm not ovulating right now (as I should be) doesn't mean I won't in the coming week or two (see, I'm optimistic!) Those dumb ovulation test sticks are a pain, a blatent "sorry" staring back in my face. I know that I need to be patient and to not worry, I need to sit back and allow this to be in God's hands. But it isn't easy. The more I try to push it out of my head, the more I think about it.
Tonight we hosted Canadian Thanksgiving at our house, it was a great party! So many good friends were able to join us to celebrate and enjoy a delicious turkey dinner. In the past few days I kept thinking of people we should've invited and feeling regret and remorse over not having extended the invite, but then I remembered, our house is so tiny...we can't hold more people.
We are so thankful for our awesome and amazing group of friends.
We are so thankful in the wake of the economic and political uncertainty that we own a home, two nice cars, and we have good jobs.
We are so thankful that our families are doing well and happy (even my father who 6 months ago I questioned whether he'd still be alive this fall).
We are so thankful that we have each other, Mr.P and I, and that we feel as much love as we do for each other.
We are so thankful that we are in a position to try and create a baby, and hopefully it will happen soon.

The poor woman's latte.

Doing my part to cut back in the wake of the economic crisis, I made a conscious decision to order a cheaper drink at Starbucks today. (Some people hate Starbucks. I personally like it.) I don't go out for coffee every day, but maybe once or twice a week.

Here's the back story: Mr.P is not supposed to have caffeine, it messes with his heart and makes him dizzy. Since I do not want him to experience this, I've agreed to switch to decaf at home. Sure, it tastes the same, but trust me, decaf is not caf. I like the little "pick me up" I get from a good cup of coffee. I'm always consciously aware of the fact that my morning coffee is decaf. You know how some people will set their clocks ahead 10 minutes so that they'll avoid being late? Yeah, that doesn't work for me, because otherwise I stare at the clock and think, "I've still got 10 more minutes." The same with the coffee, my brain can't be tricked into thinking my coffee is caffeinated.

Anyway, so since I am used to drinking 2 cups of decaf in the morning, some days by 2 or 3 PM I need a little pick me up that only caffeine will bring. But in the afternoon I tend to prefer the taste of a latte over more black coffee (too much acid or something..makes my stomach hurt). My latte drink of choice is a triple tall soy latte. It's kind of a crime how much money it costs for said beverage, about $4.40 to be exact. They charge the base price, plus .55 cents for each of the two additional shots of espresso, and then another .40 cents for the soy milk. 12oz of delicious soy coffee goodness...

So today I ordered a venti soy misto. This drink consists of 10oz of brewed coffee, with 10oz of steamed soy milk combined. It is not quite the same taste as a latte, but close. Plus, with the strong brewed coffee it delivers the same amount of caffeine as 3 shots of espresso. The venti soy misto costs exactly half the price of the triple tall soy latte (only $2.20) and you get nearly twice the volume of drink.

Wow, two months - so much to report!

I've been a bad blogger. I haven't posted in two months. Actually, that is not true, I have blogged, just not on here. I've become addicted to "the nest" a community blog/networking site for young married women which is not a blocked site from work and thus, keeping with the typical government worker, I have spent much of my days trolling/writing on the blogs on there.
So lets see... major points to note:

1. I got a new car! Yay! I am now the proud owner of a 2005 BMW X3. So one friend said I'm now officially a yuppy and she's embarressed to ride in my car. Oh well, I like it and I feel like it's a good safe car for our future offspring to ride in. The gas mileage may suck a little, but good thing my commute to work is only 5 miles. Plus, it has heated leather seats. Pretty much the greatest thing since sliced bread.

2. I ran a half marathon! At my 40 lbs lost marker, I participated in a half marathon! My time may not have been as awesome as past half marathons, but I still finished and I am proud of myself. I may not have been able to walk for a few days...but I digress.

3. We're officially TTC (trying to conceive for those of you not in the TTC world). Yup, after going off BC (birth control) this summer, our initial intention was to level out my hormones and try "natural birth control" but after our anniversary we decided we're ready to start TTC. I've had a history of irregular cycles and ovarian cysts...so it may be a long journey. Hopefully we'll get pregnant right away (already 1 cycle of failure) but we're praying about it that God will be with us during this journey. For those of you who know me, this is especially trying since, A) I am super impatient, and B) I am a total type A personality. Luckily Mr.P is very relaxed and is able to shake my shoulders every so often and remind me that it is not in my hands. Easier said than done. I have total crazy baby fever and can't wait to start our family.

4. I am now officially 29! My birthday was last month. It was a great birthday, and with all the dinners/parties/celebrations I realized how blessed I am to have so many great friends and family that took time to celebrate with me. Plus, my puppet collection grew. I went from two puppets to 5 puppets!

5. For our 1 year anniversary Mr.P surprised me with a trip! We never did go on an official honeymoon (the weekend after our wedding we went on a 2 night trip to the Oregon coast), and he promised me someday we'd go on a *real* honeymoon. For our anniversary he surprised me with an itinerary for an 8 day cruise to Mexico! This is exciting because neither of us has been to Mexico. In early December we'll be cruising Mexico! Woo-hoo! Of course, if I'm pregnant by then I won't get to check off my "list of life dreams" visiting a tequila factory (small price to pay though).

So that's the latest friendo's. It's a rainy Friday here in Seattle. Mr.P and I are going away to Lake Quinault tomorrow for a 1 night getaway at the Lake Quinault Lodge. Even though the forcast is rain, we're looking forward to a relaxing and quiet mini-trip.

Borrowing clothes - from myself.

I think that losing weight is a lot like growing your hair out...it's a slow process (and often frustrating, at least if you are as impatient as I am). Months can go by without really noticing a difference, and then one day you look in the mirror and it's like, "hey, my hair has gotten long!" or, "wow, I look a lot thinner now!"

This morning I climbed past our mounting pile of laundry and proceeded to search for something clean to wear. I pulled a pair of black khaki pants out of my drawer and tried them on. Holy cow, they fit! A little snug, but they fit! These pants were purchased last summer and have never been worn, they still had the tags on them. I ordered them last year from Eddie Bauer online, and was too lazy to return them after they were received and too small to wear. This means that I am officially smaller than I was when I got married!

It's funny because as I've lost weight, I've noticed the loss in different places...it seems like you don't necessarily lose it in the order in which it was gained. For instance, the first 15 lbs I lost, I swear it was all from my back. My waist size hardly changed until after I had lost about 20 lbs it started to feel like my pants were a little loose. Now I'm at 30 lbs lost, and I'm definitely much smaller. I notice how loose certain things are. It's a good feeling, and I hope it will give me the motivation to not only continue losing weight, but to work hard to maintain a healthier weight when I am at the size I'd like to be.

I was reading some charts on Weight Watchers (WW) that showed the ranges for healthy, overweight, and obese. As much as it pains me to admit it, before I started doing WW, I was in the obese category. When I think about it I just wonder how I let myself get that heavy. I was always a thin and active person through college. I can blame it on many things, but really the truth is I just wasn't making the best food choices and I wasn't exercising. Now I am merely just "overweight" which seems to be an easier pill to swallow than obese.

One of my biggest motivations for losing the weight is so that I can be at a healthy weight when we start TTC next year. I want to be fit and healthy so that:
A) our fertility will be improved (when we're ready to conceive I don't want to have to wait too long!)
B) I can minimize pregnancy risks associated with being heavier
C) I have myself set up with a good healthy routine to minimize gaining a lot during pregnancy. It's amazing really, I learned recently that pregnant women only need about 300 extra calories a day. None of this eating for two business.

Overall, I feel good and I am really glad that I am doing something about my health. Time for my late afternoon snack - carrots, baby tomatoes, and a string cheese.

Critical Mass-holes.

In Seattle many bicyclists participate in the monthly "critical mass" demonstration where hundreds of cyclists gather and take to the streets. In my extensive research on the topic (ok, that's a lie, I really just looked on wikipedia), I found out that it was started to draw attention to the general sense of bicycle unfriendliness in urban areas. Each month on the last Friday of the month, cyclist in cities all over the world gather and take to the streets during rush hour traffic.

I personally have always felt that demonstrations like this are really stupid. Blocking the roadways to try to make a point seems really selfish, arrogant, and immature to me. Is that really the best way to get a point across?

I think that Seattle is generally a pretty bike friendly town, the city has dumped countless dollars into road improvment projects and have created bike lanes through all the downtown streets. What do these bicyclists want, a medal? They complain that people don't yield to them or give them enough space. I'm sure there are cyclists who do obey the rules of the road, but I have personally witnessed a lot of bikers who ride reckless and dangerously.

The other day in the local newspapers it was reported that a driver got caught in the critical mass demonstration this past Friday while pulling out of a parking space in his subaru wagon. He was pulled from his car and beaten by cyclists who were angry the guy was in their way. The mob of angry bikers slashed the guys tires, dented in his car, and broke out the windows, in addition to splitting his head open. This is insane! A few of the bikers were arrested for malicious mischief. It should've been assault charges if you ask me. Also, why the heck doesn't the Seattle Police do more to either contain or stop the critical mass from occuring? They know when it will happen each month, why do they turn a blind eye? Something needs to be done to stop these out of control bikers from hurting people.

In SF they also have a monthly critical mass. Last fall, as he was recovering from surgery and walking with a cane, my dad stepped out of a restaurant and into a crosswalk in downtown SF. As he slowly moved across the street (with the white "walk" symbol illuminated across the road) suddenly the critical mass came barreling down the road. Other pedestrians in the crosswalk were able to scramble to safety, but my dad with his cane was slow moving. A biker clipped him as he rode by, knocking my dad to the ground. As he lay bleeding and trying to get up, bikers yelled mean things to him and he was almost run over by another. My dad ended up going to the hospital to stitch up his face and hands, and the biker was never caught for his actions.

F'ing cyclists.